Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I guess this is becoming an every other month thing I wish it was more often I am going to try harder!
So today and these past few weeks I have done a lousy job of trusting and resting in the Lord. I have been stressed and worried but I bring it upon myself. There have been days in the last few weeks when I get to dinner time for the kids and realize I haven't eaten all day- and for those of you who know me, you know I LOVE to eat, I am not one of those girls who likes to not eat- I probably should learn to do that more often but I don't! So besides work, 3 kiddos, holidays, traveling hubby blah blah blah whats been stressing me?
Kindergarten. This is one subject that for me is hard to speak about it is almost to hard to write about. I am already dreading the day I have to take my sweet girl to this "big" school put her in the hands of most likely a stranger and be away from her for an entire day. Who is going to hold her hand? Introduce her to new friends? watch her eat lunch? play with her hair? hug her? tell her how beautiful and smart she is? I know those of you with older girls are laughing at me saying "just wait" but let me deal with it one step at a time.... So I am counting down the days I have left with her, 9 months. I have already told my mother to be here and ready the first day of school because I am probably going to need to be committed. But what kind of faith is that? It is not, it is fear, complete and utter fear I keep telling myself- Public or Private, you will need to be covering her in prayer anyways so what does it matter? Do I trust that God will provide the money to send her to a Christian school or do I trust that if we send her to public He will have his hand on her. Today one of my best friends started the looking process and again talking about it made me ill- I don't want to do something just because someone else does it- (even though she is amazing =) I want what to do what is best for Lily Grace and what the Lord wants me to do, but the selfish part of me wants Lily Grace in a bubble and to thrive- so after talking to my friend I talked to Jeffery (he is away on business) and while I am on the phone I hear my Pandora radio on the computer singing "I need you, oh I need you blessed savior come..." When I hang up the phone I hear it again "I need you oh I need you." And I just start agreeing with it in prayer- oh how I need you and your perfect word... It is a song by The Swift (who I had never heard of). I google the song and love the lyrics (even though one verse is a bit drastic), in part of it he calls the Lord Yahweh and the way he said it just made me want to say it and pray it, so then I look up the definition of "Yahweh" you know what it is?? besides being a name for the "God of the Old Testament" it means "I am the one who will be there [for you]." Right then I knew it would be OK He is there for me He is speaking to me even now in my psychosomatic state - oh Yahweh thank you! I know I know you think Kindergarten really? this is causing that much turmoil and restlessness and anxiety?? JUST YOU WAIT till it is your turn! Yes, sometimes I think I love my children too much- but NO that is not possible, and to imagine that my Yahweh loves me more, loves them more? AMAZING....
My Boss, Pastor, friend always refers to and prays to the Lord as "Abba", "Daddy" and I was always so jealous because when He says it, he means it ;like he is 10 again and sitting on His lap. I wanted to find that name to cry out to the Lord and feel like I was in His presence and somewhat understood how amazingly good and loving and wonderful He is. Yahweh it is "I am the one who will be there for you." So relax!!! stop worrying about it all. It is interesting to me that in the NIV Mathew Chapter 6 there is a section called "do not worry" love that chapter. In The message that same section is called "a life of God-Worship." Wow what a great and different perspective. Again, STOP WORRYING, live a life of God worship what a better way to spend my time. My mom told me a while ago to spend the first 15 minutes of your day worrying and then get over it nothing you can do, but give it to the Lord. At first I thought she was CRAZY! (Love you mom). But she is right, I spend so so so much time worrying, time to get over it. Time to live a life of God worship not worry. It will not be easy but I am going to give up my addiction to worry- if you catch me doing it I give you permission to put me in my place!
When it comes down to it, the Lord blessed me with a strong, beautiful daughter that has a contagious personality that will thrive just about anywhere ( I am not biased or anything) so I want to praise Him for that instead of worry about what He is going to do with her!
Yahweh, thank you! I love you!