Desperation

January 1, I do not do resolutions. I do however, this year, want to have “one word.” In his book My One Word Mike Ashcraft says, as he explains the concept, that one word “didn’t have the trappings of regret or the pressure of sweeping promises to change like my resolutions did. It awakened something in me. Not a compulsive desire to change born out of being sick of the way I was, but a desire to live an authentic life that flowed from my relationship with Christ.” Keep it simple. I like it Mike. Well when the Lord gives you a word like “desperation” how on earth are you to take that? It is so… negative, dark, sad…desperate?? I refuse to accept, thank you Lord very much, I will chose my own. How about success, joy, light, maybe even focus, I could do that. Ok, how about desperation vs. Entitlement for your first lesson Elizabeth. Again Lord, thanks but no thanks.

We have had sewage back up in our basement/cellar three times now. Did you read that correctly? SEWAGE and when I say sewage I mean poo amongst may other yummy things. Yep, three times. So when it happened New Year’s Eve, before we were having friends over, I was less than amused. I called the plumber feeling very desperate for some news that this was not our fault but the city’s. We had spent any extra cash on Christmas for four kids and the last thing we needed was money sifting like sand through our fingers to put toward poo clean up and new pipes for our home built in 1925. New pipes meant tearing up the driveway, brick wall, sidewalk, street and lots and lots of cash. I was getting lower and lower by the minute – exhibit A of desperation. Plumber shows up, proves it is the cities fault and that is where the entitlement kicked in. Well… if it is there fault, they need to pay, now, clean up the poo, replace everything and while they are at it, why don’t they give us a new driveway? Hell, why don’t they give the neighbors that we share a driveway with a new one? Why don’t they give the whole side of the street a new sidewalk? Air quality, they need to check the air quality in my home and make sure my children are not inhaling poo fumes…. On my dime: desperation, on their dime: entitlement. Exhibit B, Me Before You by JoJo Moyes. I am all about a good story, especially one that makes for good conversation and makes you think “what would I do?” This book does just that. Moyes paints a beautiful picture of one character, although he is a quadriplegic, full of entitlement thrown into a relationship that has many different facets and stages to it with a poor, uneducated, “completely ordinary” desperate girl. Desperate to discover who on earth she is. As I read this book I truly felt the Lord showing me the difference between the two and that my heart can sometimes look like that…entitled. I think entitled is often blind. When you expect things, especially your own way, you are so blind to those around you and what they may need, you will do whatever it takes to get what you are deserving of. When what you deserve and what you are used to is snatched away you are lost, you are consumed with the fact that you were wronged and you are again blind. This book shows the opening of two pairs of eyes. One pair of eyes is blind to the fact that none of us are entitled to anything and much can be instantly taken away. The other pair of eyes is blind to the fact that desperation can sometimes lead to beautiful revelation even through working for one of the world’s largest “arses”.

So, poo and a novel lead me to believe that the Lord has been trying to show me that I should live in a constant state of desperation. He is not something I have invited into my life. He should be embedded in every aspect of my life. Anything that can be taken away would still leave Him behind, thus never destroying me. Everything I do, say, participate in, should orbit around Him- that would be what a desperate person would do, use Him in everything. I do not get to put him in a pocket and use him where applicable- that would be what an entitled person would do, use as needed.

Mid - January, a sweet friend struggling with post –partum and all the terrible, horrible, no good very bad and fantastic all at the same time feelings a brand spanking new momma feels. I am desperate for you to help her, comfort her, heal her, be near her, and hold her. My best friend, my partner in crime, my everything, a survivor of stage1 level 4 melanoma, finds a few new moles. I am desperate for you to heal her, make them absolutely nothing but beautiful new pieces of my beautiful her. A five year old girl in our church whom I do not know is battling for her life against cancer that she will not win unless there is a miracle, I am desperately aching for you to heal her, comfort her, hold that momma as she is holding that baby girl, so so very tight. I am seeing my desperation very clearly in these very vivid pictures of struggle. However, because my focus is this word, I am seeing more. If I walk as if I am desperate for the Lord to come into every situation, every conversation with my sweetest and dearest friends, every hard afternoon with four children, every tired evening, tired morning, tired workout, tired meal….maybe tired should have been my word… When I walk that way, desperation becomes revelation and light and life to me. He is speaking to ME in the midst of my desperation, I feel it.

While “desperation” may not have been my word of choice, I am already seeing the fruit, already listening to it soak in every day. I do not feel “trapped” in a resolution. I feel like this is “doable, memorable, effective and sticky.” I like that word too, “sticky.” I bet He wishes everything He showed us would stick more. So, 2015 I chose to be in desperation on a daily, basis…. Show me what you’ve got.

Good

So... This one has been bubbling up for a while and I am still not quite sure how to get it out.  We will see if I make any sense at all.  I have been longing for fellowship. Not meaning just hanging out with people I like. There are a lot of people I like to be around, that I have a lot of fun with, that I even have good conversation with. But something has been missing. Not in the person in me.  I am no good for this person is usually what goes through my head. Key word being good. I struggle with several idols- one I have been smacked in the face with recently is wanting to be "good" longing to be "liked." What does that even mean? In my heart I know my intentions are pure. In my mind that is the right thing to long for. Better to long for that right? WRONG guess what sister it's just as bad as longing to be bad. It's still an idol. It's still the wrong motive. I have missed so badly being in a Bible study. Where I am right now it's nearly impossible. I feel "bad" for not being in one- shame on me. I want to learn, I long to learn. When one longs to learn God makes a way: A few weeks ago, nearing the end of a sermon on Samson my pastor said (in a nutshell don't quote me because this is what I gathered from it) wanting to be good and do good is not the right outlook/answer. You shouldn't want to "be good" you should want to do and be good so you can have an avenue to look up and say use me. How are you going to use me while I do this. This study, this conversation with a friend or my child. How will you utilize me, and please God do it. Wait..... No,no,no says my mind, being good and doing, this work should benefit me not you. I'm so very very selfish. If I started to do things with simply the motive to please Him and be a vessel. It would benefit me greatly. Not only me, but the ones I am doing good with, for and around. OUCH. Going a bit further than that- our pastor also said you need to Die to the way you live. One of my favorite songs ever is an old Ed Cash song and there is a line in it that says " if your destiny is to be carved into a perfect thing, life cannot begin until you die to the way you live." Whoa... That sounds... Drastic. It's not as simple as doing things to make this God sitting on a cloud happy. It's truly a death to how I am currently living in a very selfish bubble. 

I went to a beautiful memorial service on Sunday. For a beautiful woman. She was amazing. To me she was a sparkle, a glimpse of true beauty. I did not know her very well. What I did know I adored. I tell you what though. Nothing is more inspirational and God breathed than a woman who truly fears The Lord. Who fights a brain tumor for 12 years and does it well. While loving her husband, 4 children and 13 grandchildren well AND rejoicing. To hear the way they all spoke of her was so so so inspiring. It made me want to be JUST like her. For the first time I had pure, true, from The Lord motives. I want to be like her not because she was loved by many, beautiful, inspiring, had wonderful relationships etc... But because everyone who spoke of her spoke of God. Jimmy our pastor at the church Jeffery grew up at who spoke at the service challenged us to not forgot why Jeanne was who she was. Who was the master and maker of her beautiful soul. And why she was loved by many. It was because HE was flowing from her at all times. 

There was another woman, Suzi, at the funeral. She was one of Jeanne's best friends. She is one of my best friends mother. She is beautiful, a Pastors wife, a woman who can walk into a room of strangers and know just what to say. She is funny, witty, a great public speaker. Another woman to be like. I adore her. I kept looking across the isle at her waiting for the flood to come. For her to weap. Instead she looked BEAUTIFUL, calm, composed. I was truly mesmorized, I felt a little creepy for staring sorry Suz. I felt like The Lord had me looking at her for a reason and He told me the word "pillar" she looked like a pillar. Her silhouette was beautiful and powerful. I wanted to be like that. Not because Suzi is Suzi (even though that is reason enough). But because I saw the Holy Spirit, and heard the spirit in her words as she spoke about her friend.  Because she was and is a pillar and vessel, like her precious one Jeanne. 

These women were and are "good" but The Lord makes them mesmorizing, fantastic and He has utilized them in my life in a way I will not soon forget. Jeanne seemed like a woman who did not waste a moment. I have caught myself so many times this week seeking while doing something thinking "what is this going to do for Him" instead of "for me" and what is this going to do for my children? My husband, my friend? How on earth am I being a vessel for them?" I stink at it truly I do, but I promise I'm working on it. I am aware of it. That's the first step right? I am so thankful this is just the beginning of our story. That I get so much more of a book after this life. One of Jeanne's sons posted the last bit of "the Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis on Facebook. 

"And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all live happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story.  All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the GREAT story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than before." 

I am amazed that God has gifted me with the gift of a larger, greater story. Praying that my cover and title page can be as much of a vessel as Jeanne's and that I start thinking of being good not to just be good but to be useful...

If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all...

The other day right after my kids finished their tennis lesson. A woman came up to me and said something that has stuck with me. She said "everyone needs to hear good things about themselves..." And then she went on to very sweetly say that my blog had actually inspired her. Instead of feeling "successful" I was humbled, flattered and her first words have stuck with me.  I don't do that enough, say something nice TO someone's face. I can do it all day "about" them. But I was so touched that someone I don't know very well would do that. So I decided I'm going to do it via my blog tonight. There is a woman I know that I truly ADORE. I need to tell her because I feel like she needs to hear it and I thought this May honor her.

Elizabeth Tracy and I met maybe 5 years ago? I had her youngest son Peter in my preschool class he is the same age as Tripp. She is a delight. She is beautiful, kind, funny, smart.... I could go on and on. But really the main thing is her spirit. Or maybe the Holy Spirit around her. I went running today and I ran into her (no pun intended) about 20 yards in. As soon as I am in her presence I do feel the spirit. I consider myself to really honestly feel spirit led a lot. I don't mean that in a bragging sense, I think it's because I am constantly begging him to guide me but I do think I feel things about people. Elizabeth has like a bubble of Holy Spirit you walk into and you feel it. There have been very few women in my life that I like to call my comfort blanket, my mom being one and a few others. Elizabeth is most definitely one of them. I am at home around her and love talking to her love being around her.  This may embarrass her but when our sons were probably 4? She came rushing into my classroom one morning just devastated because Peter had spit on Tripp. Tripp has probably spat on a few kids, Ava my "Angel" spit lemonade and lasagna in her friends face this weekend- so pretty much all kids have done it. But Elizabeth was crushed. That's how passionate I see her and well she loves others. She use to drop Peter off in my class and come and sit for a few minutes, ask us how we were and tell us how she was. She is truly strong to have had a toddler at home and take care of her ill mother, lose her mother and still love her family truly well. Most moms just drop the kids off (some we kick out), we almost always say "your child will be better off if you just go" but I never said that to her. She is one of those women I would love to sit with and just listen... I am thankful for her presence in my life even though brief encounters have been the extent of our friendship I'll take it! 

I am praying as I write this she doesn't think I am some creep.... But I do love her and her heart and spirit and wanted to "tell" her that. This is not as "brave" as telling her to her face but I'd like to start telling people really how I feel about them- it's a new "thing" for me and I want to do it more.  Go find someone and tell them how they have inspired you, how much you admire them or love what they share or how they talk. They need to hear it

Day Whatever... #31daychallenge #failed

I so failed at this challenge, so I am beginning the "blog whenever you can challenge". That I can do!

I have had a few things on my mind and I am pretty sure the Lord put them all together for me today, but it may or may not come out right...

Sunday morning I was irritated. I don't even remember what started it, but I do remember making a list in my head of all of the things "I was doing" and how tired I was of doing EVERYTHING. Getting breakfast, getting the kids ready, getting myself ready... Let me add a disclaimer, Jeffery is typically very helpful with the kids. This day, however, either in reality or in my head he was not. The kids were bugging me, I felt irritated at everyone. Then comes church... And I was expecting greatness (which I ultimately did receive). If I had a bad morning and didn't want to do anything or be anywhere surely that mean Satan was trying to get at me and church would be spectacular. On the cover of the bulletin read a Tim Keller quote "There is a terrible spiritual danger involved in the receiving of any blessing. Success can easily cause us to forget God's grace, because our hearts are desperate to believe that we can save ourselves." Well, that is a great quote, one that you highlight in a book, write in a journal or blog, but nah, doesn't really apply to me. Then Paul (the pastor) started talking about the dangers of "success" and you know what my immediate thought was? "This sermon totally doesn't apply to me, I am not successful in any way." Talk about Debbie Downer... So I listened, enjoyed the first few minutes- Paul is the best story teller I know. But again, ehhhh not really for me. Then he said a few things that I was like- huh, ok maybe.

So side note/ ADD then I will go back to the sermon. After Sunday, and thinking I am a totally unsuccessful person, I decided to think about what I thought success was. I could totally lie to you and say "success to me is reading my Bible, doing daily devotions, memorizing scripture, blessing everyone I see..." WRONG, I am totally more messed up than that. I realized "success" to me was being liked, being the "perfect" mom and wife, being organized and clean... if any of you know me, you will laugh because I FAIL miserably at those things EVERY day, hence the reason I am unsuccessful. I also think of Money or a career when I hear the word success ( just in general).

OK, back to the sermon, one note I wrote down was "Success- Because I am loved, not because I am needed." WOW after making my list of what I consider success - ouch. That is like... IT, I want to be needed by everyone, my friends, husband, children, coworkers, family... and what? That is not success? You mean to tell me that just because I am loved by my heavenly father, THAT is success? Well, that's easy. I also wrote down notes like "leaning against success not the Lord." I totally do that, I thrive on being needed. "Any idol cannot stand up on its own, it must be propped up." So this is where it all started tying together for me. I think a few posts ago I mentioned my children being an idol of mine. I have always in my head pictured an idol as maybe a stack of money, or a gold statue, standing on a hill alone and light shining from it ( I know weird)... I have never pictured an idol me, standing holding my family together piece by piece, member by member. OUCH again.

So, we have been planning on getting a labradoodle. Had a deposit down, were picking out names, we were going to pick her out this weekend. Jeffery, I could tell was struggling even beginning on Sunday morning, and he basically said he really felt like it was a bad idea, to much work, too much stress, too much money. All of these things I know to be very very true. But I want my dang puppy. I tried telling him- the kids will be crushed, yeah for like a split second then they were like OK, no problem. I still want my dang puppy. All this time, I was not only putting them on this pedestal and wanting to give them everything, I was being so selfish too- it ultimately was about me, not them... How many times in my life have I done that? Or am I doing it? It is not that I was deviously doing it, I really truly wanted it for them, but it was more important to me.

Success, I can say is really to benefit those around me, to be the best mom, to be a good fried, to be the best wife. But really, and it makes me feel slimy just typing it, it is all about me. Making myself feel good. None of that glorifies my Father. It should all be about the fact that I am so so so blessed to be loved by Him. I so relate to the verse in Judges where Gideon tells his men to call out "A Sword for the Lord, AND FOR GIDEON." It should have just been a sword for the Lord. PERIOD. I do this every day, BE a great friend, make me look good while doing it. Be the best wife, and make people think it is all me... NONE of that, again, glorifies the Lord. Not only that, it is not SUCCESS to Him! He doesn't even demand we be "successful" good jobs, good behavior, good Christian... nope just let me love you and know it, that is success. IT IS SO STINKING EASY.

So not only did I have a horrible definition of success, I realized that my idols, that I was holding on to and up for dear life were the things I based that "success" on, all the while not even thinking about what my success needed to be, and how easy it is.

Let go of "success," being the best, idols, even your labradoodles and let the Lord love you and know it.

Smarts... #31daychallenge #days9&10

Day 9: blah blah blah I'm tired and have nothing to say blah blah blah...

Day 10

Going through this stage with Lily Grace of figuring out what is best for her and her "ADD" (even though I don't do labels I have to call it something) has made me look back a lot on my "ADD tendencies." I'll just be real honest here... There is a reason I teach two year olds... I am not smart. This is not a pity party I'm actually almost,barely, pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I am just aware and in no denial I am not smart. Through high school, I really wanted to be one of those girls who had really neat handwriting, took really good notes, got straight A's and I just wasn't... I didn't care too much. In college I worked really really hard because I actually loved political science (mostly because it made me feel smart) and I struggled to make high B's... And I cared a little bit more.  Now, it takes me awhile to work through a book, and that's if I can commit to a book for more than a chapter, I forget everything I read and it pisses me off. I want to be one of those people who reads a lot and enjoys it... I usually have to read a paragraph a couple times to get it. And the worst part is I tend to forget it shortly after I read it... I am for the most part organized but it my own chaotic way... Again, not a pity party, oh whoa is me... Just facts I'm throwing out here. 

So, with Lily Grace, I am so thankful (except for the fact she probably got the gene from me) that I have struggled, so I know how to support her. How to constantly encourage how to help her with homework, encourage her with friendships (which I am realizing is an "add" struggle). And truly come alongside her. Anyways, backs to smarts. I just lack a lot of them. I lack efficiency as well. Jeffery has nicknamed me efficient Elizabeth (smart ass). I go from one task to the next with occasional completion I go from point "a" to point "b" but stop at "s,q,y,m,o, and x" on the way... (Thanks Brooke for the great example). It's how God made me, I can laugh at it, shake it off. But when it comes to my girl it's a lot harder. I hate to see her struggle, to see the words "lonely, left out, not finishing tasks, lack of confidence, sad" associated with her.  But, I'm so glad made me not smart. I can be pretty creative (not that smart people can't be), I can be pretty spontaneously creative-"wing it" as they say. I love kids, two year olds in particular ( you realize that is a rare gift). I can paint furniture and have eye for color that's a plus... All this to say I'm pretty ok with being not so smart. It would be pretty exhausting and even though sometimes I long for smarts, I really do feel like there is more room for the Holy Spirit in my head and heart. 

Today I was thankful that I was taking my daughter to the doctor for something that made her special, unique, artistic,brilliant. Not for something disabling. Whether you are super smart (jerk), artistic, efficient (punk), inefficient, outgoing, introverted... I pray you are able to find your gifts. I pray that you can be almost, barely, pretty comfortable in your own skin. It's fun. I still get frustrated but ultimately I am trying to see my gifts... I pray you do too.

Slow down...soak it in... 31daychallenge #day8

This will be short and sweet I'm tired! 

Tonight we had the privilege to attend the Catawba valley YoungLife banquet. I LOVE it. As soon as my kids get a little bit older I'm jumping on that bandwagon. The way these people invest in lives is amazing and all with and through Jesus. I love hearing testimonies from the kids, they are so real so honest. It is also terrifying. They give you scary statistics that really we already know but hearing them... Uh. I'm not ready for middle or high school. Lately I have been hearing The Lord tell me to slow down. 

Don't get excited I don't think he means for me to stop doing what I do or my jobs, hobbies ect.... But with my kids. I decided the last two days to TRY to treat the kids 1) like they were a gift 2) they are not mine and they are a privilege and 3) like any minute could be my last. I have not done the best job, I still get irritated but it has slowed me down. I want to watch them, listen to them, answer their questions, talk to them about Jesus, about school. I have noticed especially with Ava and Max how much life comes out of such little beings. They make people laugh and smile, they are so approachable to others. People love to stop and talk to them and I have loved watching it. I decided to slow down with Tripp, even though he can be relentless with asking for new toys or asking for play dates or what can we do today that is "fun" I have loved watching him play, loved him showing me his Legos saying "mommy aren't you so proud of me?" And me taking the time to answer. Lily Grace is already entering the "attitude" phase. She has really given it to me and I have been at a loss on how to communicate. It's so hard with her because there are three others running around 90 miles an hour to give her what she needs. So, she and I decided tonight we would have a secret journal that we would write to one another in. She LOVED the idea. Something for just us. I was so much better at communicating with letters and notes, written word (hmmmmm) than I was in conversation, I'm thinking she is the same way so I am praying this works! I sat down to write my first "letter" to her and I felt this sudden pressure. Oh my gosh, I have to make this really meaningful, really important and I have to give her really good advice, and I have to leave it at a second grade reading level... Crap. Bad idea. Then, again I heard it, slow down, soak in, simplify. Really all she needs to hear from me is I love you, Jesus loves you and I am here. I wrote a little bit more than that but that was about it... Even in Young Life tonight the two kids that shared really shared it all just boils down to people who pour into them that love Jesus. And that's like the easiest thing for me to do, love him...

Slow down, soak it up, love Jesus

Fear... #31daychallenge #days6&7

So, I rested on the sabbath. Here are days 6&7 in one.

As an adult I have been very into Halloween. Not the horror movie, gory, voodoo lover halloween but the pumpkin loving, vintage halloween decor lover. I have no clue what brought it out in me. We were not huge on it growing up. I'm pretty sure we didn't "do" halloween for a few years growing up, maybe I'm just going overboard to make up for it? Never did I feel like I was missing out on anything but candy, and my oldest brother still thinks I'm walking on the dark side because I believe in Santa as well.... But it's fun, and my house looks pretty darn cute, and most importantly my kids love it. It is interesting to me what brings out the fear in them. They can watch the nightmare before Christmas ( I'm not a Tim Burton fan but for some reason I'm ok with this one) and not be afraid, watch most of Jurassic park and not be afraid, skeletons-check, ghosts-check, jack the pumpkin head-check... But you bust about the cute ghost that laughs and it makes Ava nervous, the orange halloween lights took both Ava and Max some time to warm up to, bugs, spiders... Heck no there is just no space for those in my house. It is a "scary" time if year. For some reason it has been very fear filled for me. 

I love some of random (sometimes cheesy) Facebook posts on God or scripture. Because 9 times out of ten I needed to read them. The latest one I came across was a small list, two columns, one column was things of God and one was things not of God. It irritates me that I cannot remember the entire list but I remember being surprised. Not because I didn't know that fear was not of God, but I was surprised at what a comfort the list was and how easy it has become for me to forget what is NOT of Him. So, I have been realizing two things during this spooky time of year. 1) I have been fear filled and that is not of God and 2) the fear has been geared toward my children- and they have become an idol. Which  is hard for me to even say because we make idol such a bad word- it's associated with horrible things but idols CAN be good things but those things can bred fear and other items off that list that are not from The Lord. Lily Grace's "ADD" ( I don't do labels but you know what I mean), Ava has had a bump on her head now for 10 days and you know where that takes my mind... Sometimes I think webMd,  as useful as it can be, I think it's satan. I love our pediatrician - she is constantly saying don't google, don't web md- I could diagnose my entire family with a fatal disease with no severe symptoms in minutes. FEAR. It occupies so much of my day to. One look at Lily Grace and I hate that she struggles, one brush of Ava's hair and I feel the bump, one cough from Max and I think he will never outgrow this asthma... Liz... FEAR it's not of The Lord! I think God gave this verse to me through my mom for so many reasons I quoted in day 1 I'll quote it again!  " God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, of love and a sound mind." Fear gives you no power, no love and for SURE not a sound mind. It makes you crazy. 

I had a sweet friend tell me today she had a panic attack while away from her children- we probably all have at one point. Especially that first time you leave your newborn baby to go on a date.... Uhhhh ecstatic and terrified all rolled into one. As my friend was telling me this I just felt so sad for her, For us, we miss out on so much because of fear. Our kids need daddy time, they need grandparent time it is actually good for them  to be away from you every once in a while! This mom in particular I know is crazy in love with her kids! She probably has the same problem I do, they have become idols, and instead of handing our children over to the master, we put the death grip on them, and what does that do? Chokes them and makes your hands tired. It is exhausting.... Worrying= not from The Lord either, and it can wear you out... We are so tired because we are so worried about our parents, friendships, children... Lily Grace tonight was worried on how to handle a situation at school and I threw the classic WWJD at her, but it's so true. Panic about the kids? WWJD? Panic about health? WWJD? I need to bring those bracelets back- they made the saying so cheese but it is so true! God did make a spirit of fear innate in us! 

Not really sure where all of this goes but it is where I have been stuck, and had I had more time with my friend I would have shared that, I'm there, a lot of us are fearful for different reason, but it's not from God. I read somewhere that "do not fear" is written 365 times in the Bible (I have not counted I do not know it to be true) but if it it is, that is a every day in a year reminder.... DO NOT FEAR. I am with you. 

I heard a song we sang in our high school youth group the other day on the radio and hit me now just like it did then 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you

And the waves, they shall not, overcome you

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you

I have called you by name, you are mine

For I am The Lord your God,

I am The Lord your God

I am the Holy one of Israel

Your savior

When you pass through the fire, you'll not be hurt

And the flames will not consume you

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you

I have called you by name, you are mine..."

Love it, love how God reminds me even in song. Do not fear...

Roots #31daychallenge #day5

I have been completely dried up today. I am not used to this blogging thing and have been feeling a bit fried. I do not typically write unless I hear from the Lord and this challenge has been wonderful because I am actively listening. I just received an email from one of the most wonderful women in my life that was encouraging me to write and attached were a few beautiful pictures Ill share of roots that she had come across today in the mountains and it inspired day 5! Thank you Sandy!

I use to be a children's director. When I was hired for the privilege, the ministry really needed a name and direction. The name I decided on was "Rooted" and the verse we used was of course: Ephesians 3:16-18 "(16) I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, (17) so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, (18) may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, (19) and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." I chose it for obvious reasons. 1- we all want our children to be rooted, grounded in Christ, and 2- I believe childhood is obviously the foundation of ones life, where your roots begin. All this time I had been thinking really the cliché that rooted just meant a foundation, ummmmm standing firm in Christ etc... I still believe that but I am beginning to think it means a lot more. The definition of the word "root" is three fold "1)the part of a plant that grows underground, gets water from the ground, and holds the plant in place 2)the part of a tooth, hair, fingernail, etc., that is attached to the body; 3)the cause or source of something." Webster goes on to use phrases like "an underlying support, close relationship with an environment, something that is an origin or source, the essential core..." Whoa, it is way more than what I was thinking. I was thinking a little bit on the lighter side like, the beginning of something. It is so much more than that, it is literally life-giving. Roots do not just support and keep something upright they give life, water, they are essential, they have a close relationship with the environment around them.

I named my blog rooted mom because that is what I long for. Little did I know what I was asking for, or even praying for my children. I had this pretty little picture in my head but in reality roots are strong, messy, complex. Roots can even cause some serious damage to homes, plumbing and other trees. They really are not to be messed with. This is some info I found while reading about roots "Tree roots serve two VITAL functions; they gather nutrients from the soil and they support the weight of the top growth of the tree. Like an iceberg, a large tree requires a large substructure..." So, they are Vital, necessary and if you want to be "big" or influential, strong, stand out, set apart... you have to have a large substructure. And not only do you need the substructure, it needs to be functioning constantly. Roots would be useless if they were not functioning correct? If they were not doing their job, the tree dies, rots, becomes top heavy and collapses. So not only do we need to be rooted, we need to have roots that are WORKING...constantly. Boom, my tree just fell...YIKES my roots are totally wimpy I will admit.

Never before have I put this much thought into this bible verse and it is SO important and has been so important in my life. We dedicated my oldest daughter with this verse and it has been VITAL to my walk with the Lord. It is amazing what going deeper can do, and how one verse can mean so much and yet when you dig in it can mean even more. I am being called to be rooted but it means so much more now, strong, vital, established, life giving, getting along with the environment around me, supportive and FUNCTIONING... all of these things I am called to be. That is a lot, and seems so daunting to me. Luckily we are well equipped roots. It is not like God just stuck a seed in the ground and said go for it. We are fortunate enough He has given us the tools to cultivate, grow, stand firm and most importantly to FUNCTION. I am so thankful for eyes to see and ears to hear. I pray only that I can function as I am called to...

Label Makers #31daychallenge #day4

Let me preface this one by saying... I am incredibly, terribly, horribly guilty of this. It is an ongoing struggle for me that the Lord has just recently within the last year opened my eyes to truly something I am BAD about and need to fix pronto. But it is like the wiring in my brain (or satan) just will not allow it. Or I guess I should give myself some grace and say I am better, more aware, but not healed. OK drum roll please... I am a label maker. I admit it. I label everything. I am not talking about the white ones that spit out of a machine (although I am guilty of those as well) I am talking about the ones in my head. I label people and usually pretty quickly within meeting them. Some are great and I feel really spirit led. Some are horrible. You have got to pardon the language on this but it is so so true (but on a much more G rated scale for me) I pinned something on Pinterest the other day because it made me laugh so hard and it is so so true. It was one of those ecards, it read, "once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. 'Look at this bitch eating those crackers like she owns the place." OH my gosh! You are guilty of it, admit it, you label someone you do not like and then EVERYTHING they do makes you furious...

What if your labels popped up like those little thought bubbles they use in comics? Can you imagine? "snob, cheater, liar, alcoholic, chain smoker, perfectionist, super fit ho..." you get the idea. My labels have changed lately because God has graciously opened my eyes to the fact that I have no clue what I am talking about or whom I am labeling. Super fit ho, could be broken inside and the only outlet, happy place or ease of her pain could be the gym. Snob could be hiding her tremendous self hatred by lashing out or showing off to others. Cheater could be making his or her way back the Lord and their family slowly but surely and we leave no room forgiveness and grace. We let our kids label other kids- bully (and sometimes rightly so), mean girl, poor, nerd, weird. Instead of teaching them that though some labels may be accurate, especially in one instance or circumstance, but it most definitely does not define the person.

There was a country song when I was in college called "You can't hide beautiful" it was totally cheesy (there you go, a label for you) but true. You also, can't hide ugly. I am well aware of it. My best friend Celia reminded me today of this as I regurgitated some frustrations onto her. She also gave me a quote by Maya Angelo that says "when people show you who they are, believe them." When you can rightly label someone I say go ahead file it away. No need to make it public, no need to ruin your day with it, walk on, let them be. But I strongly urge you and myself do not become a label maker. Take baby steps, at first make NO labels. Then when you get the hang of it ask God to show you how to make good labels. God has given me this new sixth sense that has just made me so sensitive and aware of myself creating labels and when others tell me the labels they have made on others (intentionally or unintentionally).

I was reading my pastors blog a few weeks ago and it was on the top reasons for divorce. One of the top reasons was "failure to realize that I am married to a sinner" WHAT THE WHAT??? He is human? Wait? He sins?? I sin? I was BLOWN away. All this time my expectations of my husband were near perfection. That is EXACTLY what I am doing to others. Failing to realize we are all the same. Every label is exchangeable in some form another. OUCH. I am a super fit ho (minus the fit part), a cheater, liar, perfectionistic sinner plus a million other labels all rolled into one. Luckily one of my labels as I discussed on day one is I am a child of God as well. Shown grace every day and so underserving of everything my God gives me. So before you have to go to rehab with God like me, quit making those labels. Walk around for a few days and just imagine those bubbles and instead of labeling pray that you would be given the opportunity to meet the real label that person should have. I told you on day one we don't do labels in my home- that means we don't label ourselves and we do not label others. Again, guilty, working progress here don't label me a label maker.

Restoration in Distress #31daychallenge #day3

OK, you knew it was coming at some point.... the furniture analogy... Those of you who know me, know I operate a very little business called Gussied UP. Painting furniture, distressing it making it look "new." You knew at some point I would have to throw it in here. But the good news is it really is from the Lord so it has to be for someone out there!

The last few years we have had some "distress" in our lives... to some they may be minor, to me catastrophic to some degree. We lost a baby, daddy missed the birth of our last baby by 47 minutes, we have had bumps along the way with family, marriage etc... all of these you can relate to I know it. All of these have been "restored" to me over time. Gussied UP has been active for 9 months. The Lord has chosen to bless it and make it thrive (well, thrive in my eyes - basically I have been busy up to what I can handle every month, I am not striving for greatness, although I would love my own HGTV show!). Back to my point, that is the ADD kicking in you will get use to it. My point is God restored them one at time and through "distress" in my life I have seen his hand at work. When I started Gussied up, the very first time I used a piece of sand paper I heard Him very clearly, I will restore you, I'll rub the heck out of you for a while but just wait. The first time I put the wax on a piece it was like a band-aide but way better got to see the open wound transform in seconds, and all the beautiful colors came out of the distressed areas and even the color that was there was better... brighter.. richer... beautiful.

I am well aware of the cheese in this post, but I was given a very clear picture from the Lord of what distress and the rubbing and the scratching that the world and Satan will mean for harm but God will mean for good looks like. And not just for good, but for beauty and for GLORY. The loss of a child stretched my heart to an extent I didn't even know was there- only to have more space for God to fill. The birth of my son Max was a miracle I got to experience with my best friend and something God restores daily just by looking at her and Him. I saw Christ in my best friend that day, literally, like He was the one rubbing my head and whispering in my ear and kissing me. A miracle not a lot of people get to receive. I marriage restored or relationships restored are the best kind. Making up is fun...

So basically that is why I LOVE what I do. I get to be reminded with every stroke, of His restoration. I get to pray for the people who's piece I am painting or the one who gave it to me (so my Dad gets some extra love because he finds all the fantastic stuff...) or who it is going to. I receive His gifts while using mine. I am so thankful for the gift He gave me. I am so thankful for restoration in distress... twofold.

I love the beginning of "The Jesus Storybook Bible" by Sally Llyod- Jones (ADD sorry- I think every adult should read this book, we all have child-like hearts, we are all children of God, it will speak to you I promise.. Get it). It reads: "God wrote, "I love you" - he wrote it in the sky, and on the earth, and under the sea. He wrote his message everywhere! Because God created everything in his world to reflect him like a mirror- to show us what he is like, to help us know him, to make our hearts sing..."

We are all so gifted, look around you, through and under and after the distress, there is restoration.

Tight Squeeze... #31daychallenge #day2

When we moved to Hickory 5 years ago, it felt like we looked at houses FOREVER. They were either over our budget, or under our budget and SCARY. We accidentally drove by our current home and I made Jeffery stop the car and... I knew. I knew I wanted it, didn't care what the inside looked like (if you saw my kitchen you would say "obviously"). I could see my babies in the yard, I could see us growing old there, met the neighbors- loved them. SOLD. We went to one more house after we saw it and I SOBBED (which if you know me is totally out of character). So God gifted us this home and we still love it, it is us. It is old, quirky, backwards and lovely to us. So when we bought, we had two kids and now we have four. Unexpected gifts. So, Jeffery and I have had an ongoing dialogue about our home situation. We have officially outgrown our butler's pantry and our bathrooms, and the kitchen is about as big as our master bath. So... do we move or renovate? Our kids will only get bigger... I have said, heck no, from the beginning. No way am I leaving this house. Jeffery is pretty open to either idea but I believe favors the move and really thinks we need more space. We have looked at a few houses in the last two years and every time we have come home and looked at each other and said 'what the heck were we thinking??' We were watching HGTV a few weeks ago and a husband said to his wife "you know how I feel about space, smaller home, closer family" BAM, HA, In your face Jeffery Wayne I am right! The kids have never complained about sharing rooms, the kitchen is pretty horrible but completely functional, we are good!

Well, we were good until we saw dream house #2. Not a TON bigger, and still an old quirky home, BUT everything has been UPDATED, we wouldn't have to do a thing to it.... And it is about a boat load of $$ OUT of our price range. Darn you Dave freaking Ramsey. We should bend over backwards, get this house and be house poor and stressed and miserable, yep lets. Then reality and the Lord hit. Look around you at the gift I already gave you. You begged me, stretched yourself and received it and now you have found greener grass... I feel like I do that all the time with God. PLEASE keep my children healthy... oh and make them perfect, smart, popular and "normal" (whatever that means). PLEASE give me a husband... Oh, and make him sinless, perfect and make him wait on me hand and foot. PLEASE let me be more like you... but make it easy, natural and comfortable. I ask for so much and He gives so freely and then I ask for more or for ease. All this to say I pray I can be a little more narrow minded. In the way that a smaller house, tight squeeze, means closer family. I healthy child means a full life, full of mistakes and miracles. A husband, that is perfectly imperfect and a mess right alongside his even more imperfect wife. A God-like me, but one step at a time and room for grace. He gave me my dream home, He could take it away just as easily or give me my next one but I will be happy in my tight squeeze for as long as He has me here...

1 Timothy 6:6 "But Godliness with contentment is great gain"

Labels... #31daywritingchallenge #day1

My oldest daughter Lily Grace is seven now and in second grade.  After only a couple weeks of school I have now had two conversations with her teacher about her progress this year.  Had you asked me a few months ago how I would feel about our discussions I probably would have given you a very different answer than now.  Most parents do not want to hear the acronym ADD. I know, nails on a chalkboard, gasp, sigh.... I really in my heart new it was coming because of the struggles I have had, but if you are a parent you know, you want everything to be easy for your child. I am so thankful for the gift of a wonderful teacher who loves my daughter and knows her heart already.  In the midst of my "dreaded discussion" I was overwhelmed with peace. Yes, things were about to get challenging, frustrating, long, hard... But, it's a label and I have decided we don't do labels in this family...there is really only one label I'd like to give myself, Lily Grace or any other family member and that is Child. Galatians 3:26-28 " So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is no Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ."

There is no ADD, ADHD, popular, unpopular, beautiful, ugly, smart, dumb... Just child. My prayer is that I can pound that in all four of their little heads... You are a child of God, any other label doesn't count, good or bad. Yes, I'll do everything in my power to come along side Lily Grace and give her tools to help with school. But I'll also praise her for her heart, her creativity, her beautiful mind. And I'll thank God for health and this small minor bump in the road that terrifies everyone. 2Timothy 1:7 " For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND." I will not allow Satan to make my daughter fear ADD but I'll show her to embrace it and I'll continually ask The Lord to help me to not fear it as well and to help me cultivate in her a spirit of Power over it.  So many parents have had these discussions and so many immediately get consumed and fearful. Please please remember there are no labels that matter ultimately, except one... CHILD

Max Raye Update

So many people (an overwhelming number of you) have asked about Max, been praying for Max, texting, calling emailing facebooking us- it is just amazing. Why I would ever think less of the people that the Lord has put in our lives is crazy, but I am truly at a loss for words and so over come with greatfulness and praise... I do want to update people on Max, and so many of you know I am way better typing and writing to communicate than I am in person! AKWARD! AND, it takes 10 minutes to explain all that it is not, and all that is going on with Max!

It has been a nice long two month process- of coughing and wheezing but a week ago today we saw a pediatric pulminologist for the first time. After a few chest X-rays we realized Max's right lung was not compressing fully- foreign body was a possibility (of course my mind went to Ava,lego,bad). Long story short, Max took a turn for the worse so we thought the ER was necessary and we have a lot of help in Charlotte so Levine it was. WHAT A FREAKING PROCESS... 4 nights, 5 days of poking, prodding, 4 IV's a million breathing treatments, steroids, "aggressively attacking it" and one bronchoscope later we pretty much came out with only a few answers- 1. There was a ton of "clear secrections" AKA crap in his lungs that they washed and sucked out ( all you docs out there dont hate I do not speak Monkey). 2. There was no foreign body in Max's lung. 3. He has reactive airways (sensative). 4. maybe a little reflux. 5. Maybe some bacteria (still waiting on cultures) etc... We met with a NEW pediatrician that speaks my language (Brooke Hata a adore you already). Basically, we are going to start the process of elimination. Max will get a sweat test on the 12th (gulp), eventually when his veins recover from being assaulted this week we will do a major Allergy test ( seems more managable), and maybe further testing to see if there is something anatomically going on outside the lung that is keeping it from functioning properly... So, what I thought was going to be the last step in this process is really just the first.

I have been asking the Lord all day to show me how to pray. Of course I want perfect health for my 7month old- but beyond that how do I pray for the coming weeks. I kept saying over and over to myself this week - it could be so much worse, so much worse. Then I spoke with a stunningly beautiful woman - but just a few years older and wiser (Suz im so thankful for you) and she said "but this is your hard" and it was like a damn let loose in my heart- its ok to be a sad, worried, fearful mom sometimes even if you know it could be worse- this is where I am. UH! It was like the Lord gave me permission to live it, to grieve it, to hurt for Max when he hurts, to ache to find out what the H E double hockey sticks is going on... While in the hospital I had two Verses come to mind (but I was singing them since I live in kiddie land) "Trust in the Lord, trust in the Lord, always trust Him with all your heart... and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, in all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight..." Of course I need to lean a little on the understanding of these doctors the Lord puts in my path, but definately not my own- only his. On the way home it was "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice. Rejoice, Rejoice and again I say rejoice..." Again, Him, Always, not me.

Most of you who know me know- i would rather hold my breath until I am blue in the face than let the damn loose, but again, freedom to be at my hard has been overwhelming. I feel like lately I have had quite a few people enter my life, or people that have been in my life open up a bit and admit to one major thing- anxiety, fear. I always considered myself fearless, or pretty tough, HA! WRONG! sayeth the Lord! I am learning now, fear unfortunatley has consumed me at times in my life and really controled a lot of it. What does the Lord have to say about fear?

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"


"You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.”

1John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18

I am scared, Ill be honest, you mess with my babies and you get the wrath but this is out of my control... AND I AM A CONTROL FREAK! So, God is for sure up to something- I am already figuring out what it is for me, what it looks like for Max, we will find out...
Again, I am so thankful for you!
Keep Max and his crazy momma in your prayers!

My Fab 5

Oh my Blog, how I have missed you. I have felt one coming on for a while now and just have not known what to title it- or where to even go with it... oh well- here we go with no direction whatsoever!

I have been reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker- who is by the way my new hero, love her, I cannot give myself the compliment of saying that I write like her- cannot even compare. BUT I think like she writes love her thought process! Read it if you have time- and if you don't! In her book she refers to her goup of friends as the "council" I feel the need to list and describe mine since they probably do not even know they are on it- well I sure hope they do. I will officially name, describe, nominate and vote on mine now. Shout them out from the rooftop so that all of my 7 followers can read about you...


1. Celia: My sweet precious Stoic Heroic is what I shall call you. You have endured something I would not even begin to know how to deal with, you live life, you love well, and put up with ME! You listen, you love, you teach, you exemplify, you are all that I would hope to be half of. Where would I be without you. You are the only skinny person I know that can talk about a new type of gym every month, never go to one, and still lookin smokin hot. You are in love with Jesus and TRULY TRULY show it in everything you do- right down to loving on 11 two year olds, and changing some wicked diapers alongside your crazy all over the place best friend. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you pray for me even when I don't deserve your time.... I love you


2. Allison: My "fun" one but "fun" with you would be no fun with anyone else but you my love. I have never heard of anyone pouring themselves into something- anything and everything the way you do- not head first- whole body first. You make me laugh, you make me cry about having four kids and how impossible it is but remind me constantly that God is soveriegn- even when I leave my fourth child places - you forgive me. You constantly point out "all" that I do, but never even notice all that you do. You are intentional with every fiber of your being, and I know without a doubt you pray for me. You walk a crazy life right alongside my crazy one and still find time to with me- even in our numb child infused haze of an exsistence... I love you.


3. Graylynn: My Gravy- thats my new nickname for you (amongst another nickname I love and cannot even type). Why Gravy? Because my plate of obnoxious thanksgiving food (my life) would be so tasteless and boring without you poured out all over it. Even from a distance of hundreds and hundreds of miles- you are right next to me, in all I do, right there. You are my biggest fan my cheerleader like when we run and I am ten steps behind and by the time you pop a squat in someones yard I have finally caught up and you can still say- good job, your doing great- thats what you do for me every day- on the phone, on facebook, via email, to my face. And the best part is- I know if I were doing a piss poor job or messed up- you my love would call me out on it. And I know without a doubt you pray for me... I love you


4. Momma: My life-giver. Can't even decide where to start with you girl. I love that I am 30 and have 4 children and can live vicariously through your grand adventures. You gave me life 30 years ago- you continue to give me life on a daily basis. You love so well. Your imagination and intelligence is beyond anything I could possibly comprehend my love. I will be selfish and only talk about what you do for me- what you do for my family is another blog in iteslf. And I know without a doubt you pray for me... I love you


5. My love: I have officially re-fallen in love with you, with us. You listen to my rantings, my selfishness, my crazy ideas, my twisted way of thinking, my fallen horrible self and you still somehow find a way to love me? You speak truth to me, you process with me, for me sometimes- and you are hands down the best father I know. No pressure ;) and I know without a doubt you pray for me.... I love you

Thats my fab 5. Notice a pattern? Prayer,love,life,joy. I could go on and on and on. Want to know how I "do all I do?" 4 kids, two jobs blah blah blah-look above. God thank you for these precious gifts help me to give back....

I love meeting new people, talking about new things, having new adventures... But boy do I love my security blanket and that circle of trust. These people know everything about me, everything, and still find some way to love me and pray for me- father make me more like them!

I am going to make a new years resolution a few months late and blog some more so maybe I can get to 8 followers? spread a little more joy, a little more funny a little more messy... Find your 5 or 7 or 3 or 10 and thank the Lord you have them and pray for them, hold them tight, try your hardest not to piss them off or run them off and soak in all the goodness that comes from them.

The Cave

I turn 30 in T-minus 53 days (but I'm not counting). For a long time now I have been dreading it- like this black hole I am going to fall into and everything just goes down hill after it. BUT my 29th year has not been the best so I have decided to change my attitude and make 30 the best year yet... The Lord has been showing me a lot about myself lately - obviously - and He really revealed something so beautiful to me today in the midst of struggle that I have just got to share. Above you see a picture of a view from the inside of the cave of Adullum (thank you Dodd!). This is the cave David fled to - when everything around him was falling apart. This is the psalm he wrote while in it:

1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

As men and women were sharing in our body today what the Lord was teaching them/showing them in the midst of struggle "having the crutches knocked out from under them." I just kept thinking and listening to Dodd say- how sweet your time can be with the Lord during these dark, dark places in our lives. Then I looked up on the screen and saw this picture from inside the cave and it hit me. What better place is there then in this small, confined, dark place to meet the Lord almighty and have Him speak to me. I spend so much time looking "toward the light" and wondering how the heck am I ever going to get out, where it is bright, loud, and there are so many distractions- oh, that's why He has me in here, He wants my full, undivided attention. Again, what better place than this tiny hole to meet the Lord. I am in my second trimester with my fourth child and the one thing that still amazes me is that the Lord is in that tiny little place with my baby, speaking to him or her loving on him or her knitting their every fiber together- what better place to be met than this little, dark place- its where we first hear from the Lord and where he meets us when He needs our full attention. I cannot tell you enough how sweet my time has been with him through losing a baby, and other hard things life has thrown at me in the last few months. Now of course I would not ask for more pain, but I have so loved my time with Him lately. We went and saw the movie Courageous tonight and I balled my way through it again because I thought - it could be so much worse than what I have gone through- look at people who have lost a child, a parent a loved one... A pastor in the movie challenges a father who has lost his daughter and tells him he has a choice- he can be angry for the time with his daughter that was taken away or he can be thankful for the time that he had with her. What an amazing perspective much like the cave- I can spend my time angry that I am there and try to figure out how to get out or I can be thankful for the time I had in there and that it could be so much much worse. So, 30 may not get me out of this dang cave, but I am going to make the most of it and have a party in there- and thank God for all He has revealed to me, and my prayer is the same for you- if you are there in that lonely dark place - try your hardest to enjoy the Lord- His presence is so sweet and fulfilling.

What's in a Word?

It is hard for me to admit this at the risk of sounding like a moron and a jerk but I will take a chance. The word "missional" totally used to scare me. I used to associate words like evangelism, foreign country, seeker with the word missional... I had pictures in my head of a mission in the middle of a village somewhere - I would not want to go. I played the role of Elizabeth Elliot in the "Bridge of Blood" play for a few years in high school and when I think of "missional" that is what I think of- the Auca Indians, being somewhere far away, sacrificing a "normal" life to take Christ to the unreached. The name of the book "The Missional Mom" came across my email and facebook and had been mentioned to by by several people- and I wanted nothing to do with it. "Missional Mom" to me sounded like something... well... not me. But, I finally gave in, ordered the book and have now become borderline obsessed with it. How ridiculous and stupid was I? I would now suggest to every mom I know, READ IT. For me it has just confirmed and reaffirmed what God has been trying to pound in my head these last few weeks of my life. (For a good article on the word Missional look at this
http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/communitylife/evangelism/17.20.html?gclid=CKvoo5SMuasCFYne4AodNl2i8Q&start=2

I have never had such extreme prodding, pinching, pulling, and pushing from the Lord as I have the last month of my life. I have never been filled with as much anger, hurt, hate, and pain- pretty much any negative emotion you can feel I have had this last month.. It is funny how these two things coincided as well as me reading this dang book. God and Hurt and being a missional mom- interesting? As our pastor Dodd pointed out this morning in church- I have been staring my giant (Goliath) right in the face and have so been focused on him (or the problems/challenges in my life) I have totally missed the "bigger giant." The Lord. I have felt the Lord calling me to something bigger- not at all necessarily something fantastic for me to accomplish like writing a book, winning a race, creating something superb... But something bigger like get my butt in gear, focus on my family and how I am daily bringing the Lord into their lives so that they can bring His love to others as well...

If this post is jumbled and doesn't make sense that because that is how my mind has been working these last few weeks. So many wonderful things have come across my plate stemming from something painful. In the book Helen Lee talks about our Primary and Secondary Calling. Our primary is that we are "called to be with God. "The Primary calling for Christians is to be with God, in whatever circumstances He has placed us, As we reside in those circumstances with Him it becomes clearer how we are to serve God in those circumstances. Doing things for God becomes an outflow of our connectedness with Him." The secondary calling flows out of the first and that is to love others. "loving others is not something we do out of obligation but as a natural response to the love that God has shown for us....Loving our neighbor is the natural outpouring that results from being with God as we pursue Him as our central calling."
Had I been truly "with" God instead of just doing things for Him and to honor him I believe the outflow of my heart would have been a lot different. Instead of looking at my own heart and seeing the dullness of it, I have looked at others and compared and judged. Instead of loving others because I am "With" God and that is just what I naturally want to do, I have loved others because I want to be a better person, be THE better, bigger person. I have felt so different in doing things this last week even because it has flowed out of feeling connected with the Lord, I feel like He is walking with me- really not just walking with me, walking under me holding me up keeping my pieces together and have had such joy flow out of it. Joy with my family, friends, work... When I am physically tired and feel a surge of selfishness coming on thoughts from this book and of the Lord honestly have brought me through. Helen Lee says "Missional moms have taught me that we are responsible for everyday faithfulness, and when we act in faith God turns our ordinary offerings of obedience into the extraordinary." I so so believe that with everything in me- I so want to be more responsible for my everyday faithfulness! This book is full of moms who have truly done some extraordinary things and some of them have formed from very ordinary things.... I am praying God reveals to me something to do for Him that will impact His kingdom... That may just be being a mom to my soon to be four babies!

All this to say- don't let a word or something small scare you out of something spectacular the Lord wants to reveal to you as I have- His timing is impeccable. You may think you are doing "well" spiritually and the Lord can show you something, you may think you are not going to make it and the Lord will show you something, you may be somewhere in between and the Lord will challenge you to not be gray. I am excited about growth again- as I was in March the last time I blogged!

My prayer for you today is that you become missional in all you do- in home, at work, anywhere - that you remain open to what the Lord can do with you and through you...

PS I have ordered 3 or 4 books that were mentioned in "The Missional Mom" I will let you know how they are!

"Spark"

I have been dreading this blog for some reason. I haven't wanted to share, haven't wanted to let anyone in or show anyone any side of me that is vulnerable at all for the last few months now. I officially am NOT a good blogger but I figure the Lord did have some purpose in it- only He knows though for sure! All of the dates are mixed up in my head for the moment but in January we found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby- WOW... babies are a blessing anytime and I got to the point where my thinking was we are "in it" why not stay "in it" and have 4! People think we are crazy anyways! I was excited and just new it was going to be a boy, was picking out names, trying to figure out how we were going to fit in our house, how to arrange the kiddos... and then we went to the doctor to have an ultrasound to see when we were due- August 18th (almost exactly the same age difference and LG and Tripp). And we were also told that the heart beat was low. A week later we went back and there was nothing the baby was just gone- It had "reabsorbed" we went back yet again a few days later and saw the "fetal pole" the baby had actually gotten smaller and there was zero heartbeat. I have an ultrasound picture from my first appointment and there is a little peanut there- and I saw its little heart blinking away. And then it was just gone. I was so totally unprepared for it. We have had three amazing pregnancies, no problems, healthy babies- wonderful deliveries and I was just sure this would be the same. I always do that- take so much for granted every time I look at my children now I see the miracle- the gift God has given to me. What the heck was he thinking...
There are two things I have started to grasp in this process. One is that my heart is the place where God and I meet- if it is in crappy condition how will that meeting occur? I shut down, turn off, shut out everything and everyone when I ache and God showed me in so many ways- when you open up, soften up- He will provide The second is in an email I sent out not long after this process and it had this verse in it

2 Corinthians 7: 10-12
"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? Your more alive, more concerned more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart."

"Growth is a natural part of life, both physically and spiritually. But this 'naturalness' doesn't mean that growth is painless. Growth calls into action new parts of of our minds, our emotions, our bodies. What we experience at these times often feels like pain, We aren't used to stretching ourselves in these ways. But the pain shouldn't surprise us- our muscles ache whenever we take up new activities, and they're stretched in ways they aren't used to. Athletes get sore muscles when they begin their training. Similarly, as we're in training in the Christian life, it stretches us beyond ourselves, and that hurts. But this kind of pain is very different from the kind that's inflicted by torture. Growing pains are the kinds we don't regret, because they lead to a fuller life, not a diminished one." -EP

I get it now- You do not get it unless you have gone through it and I get it now... anyone that really really knows me can tell you my biggest fear of all is death- I have never had to face it and want nothing to do with it. This was a taste of it. My mom has given baby #4 a nickname of "spark" she saw what I saw that first ultrasound that little spark of life and I cannot wait to meet he or she in glory and I know in the mean time, my kingdom work is better because of this distress, this hurt, this ache I have. I want to understand what women go through, I want to be more alive, concerned, reverent, and thankful for these miracles I hold every day- I want to say and know and feel that God is good- all the time...

You always here the worst thing to ask God to teach you is patience- I agree I hate it dont want it- I think growth is right up there with it. I know you can grow without pain but it sure does speed up the process. I hate the process but have loved the growth. I have learned so much about myself and how much I want to change and do. My encouragement to you is just to remember you are being stretched and it is for a marvelous purpose and that stretching is not for when you get to heaven or for down the road- it is for now, so that you can do kingdom work NOW_ be relevant and alive and active for His kingdom now- we are so blessed to be able to be a part of it!!

Thank you again for all of you who kept us in your prayers - they were heard! xoxo

Yahweh

I guess this is becoming an every other month thing I wish it was more often I am going to try harder!
So today and these past few weeks I have done a lousy job of trusting and resting in the Lord. I have been stressed and worried but I bring it upon myself. There have been days in the last few weeks when I get to dinner time for the kids and realize I haven't eaten all day- and for those of you who know me, you know I LOVE to eat, I am not one of those girls who likes to not eat- I probably should learn to do that more often but I don't! So besides work, 3 kiddos, holidays, traveling hubby blah blah blah whats been stressing me?
Kindergarten. This is one subject that for me is hard to speak about it is almost to hard to write about. I am already dreading the day I have to take my sweet girl to this "big" school put her in the hands of most likely a stranger and be away from her for an entire day. Who is going to hold her hand? Introduce her to new friends? watch her eat lunch? play with her hair? hug her? tell her how beautiful and smart she is? I know those of you with older girls are laughing at me saying "just wait" but let me deal with it one step at a time.... So I am counting down the days I have left with her, 9 months. I have already told my mother to be here and ready the first day of school because I am probably going to need to be committed. But what kind of faith is that? It is not, it is fear, complete and utter fear I keep telling myself- Public or Private, you will need to be covering her in prayer anyways so what does it matter? Do I trust that God will provide the money to send her to a Christian school or do I trust that if we send her to public He will have his hand on her. Today one of my best friends started the looking process and again talking about it made me ill- I don't want to do something just because someone else does it- (even though she is amazing =) I want what to do what is best for Lily Grace and what the Lord wants me to do, but the selfish part of me wants Lily Grace in a bubble and to thrive- so after talking to my friend I talked to Jeffery (he is away on business) and while I am on the phone I hear my Pandora radio on the computer singing "I need you, oh I need you blessed savior come..." When I hang up the phone I hear it again "I need you oh I need you." And I just start agreeing with it in prayer- oh how I need you and your perfect word... It is a song by The Swift (who I had never heard of). I google the song and love the lyrics (even though one verse is a bit drastic), in part of it he calls the Lord Yahweh and the way he said it just made me want to say it and pray it, so then I look up the definition of "Yahweh" you know what it is?? besides being a name for the "God of the Old Testament" it means "I am the one who will be there [for you]." Right then I knew it would be OK He is there for me He is speaking to me even now in my psychosomatic state - oh Yahweh thank you! I know I know you think Kindergarten really? this is causing that much turmoil and restlessness and anxiety?? JUST YOU WAIT till it is your turn! Yes, sometimes I think I love my children too much- but NO that is not possible, and to imagine that my Yahweh loves me more, loves them more? AMAZING....

My Boss, Pastor, friend always refers to and prays to the Lord as "Abba", "Daddy" and I was always so jealous because when He says it, he means it ;like he is 10 again and sitting on His lap. I wanted to find that name to cry out to the Lord and feel like I was in His presence and somewhat understood how amazingly good and loving and wonderful He is. Yahweh it is "I am the one who will be there for you." So relax!!! stop worrying about it all. It is interesting to me that in the NIV Mathew Chapter 6 there is a section called "do not worry" love that chapter. In The message that same section is called "a life of God-Worship." Wow what a great and different perspective. Again, STOP WORRYING, live a life of God worship what a better way to spend my time. My mom told me a while ago to spend the first 15 minutes of your day worrying and then get over it nothing you can do, but give it to the Lord. At first I thought she was CRAZY! (Love you mom). But she is right, I spend so so so much time worrying, time to get over it. Time to live a life of God worship not worry. It will not be easy but I am going to give up my addiction to worry- if you catch me doing it I give you permission to put me in my place!
When it comes down to it, the Lord blessed me with a strong, beautiful daughter that has a contagious personality that will thrive just about anywhere ( I am not biased or anything) so I want to praise Him for that instead of worry about what He is going to do with her!
Yahweh, thank you! I love you!

3 is My Magic Number

I haven't blogged in two months. Most likely because my world has officially been rocked. For my nine months of pregnancy I had the voice of my eldest brother in the back of my head "three is going to rock your world, it is much harder than two and once you get past three it is nothing, but three, three is hard." At the time I thought "thanks, appreciate the confidence and encouragement." However, I have seen the light, know the truth and am a testimony to "three is hard." Did you know that three is a pretty significant number in literature, religion, history and so on? In of course Christianity you have the Holy Trinity; the Greeks and Romans had 3 Graces; the Vikings, 3 Norms; Shakespeare, 3 witches; Buddhism has the 3 Jewels. The Chinese think 3 is a good number because the word is similar to the word "life." Supposedly when plays were written (especially Shakespear's) the writer would repeat things 3 times to address the three sides of the audience right, front and left. Things were also repeated three times in books, plays and music to make a point force you to remember. If you say something once you are purely stating a fact, if you say something twice it could be coincidence, but three times- that is to prove a point. If you google information about the number 3 you can see that the list goes on and on. I tell you what I think of the number 3- it rocked my world, it is hard, and yes it is filled with LIFE.

My sweet little Ava was a different bird from the get go. The pregnancy was harder, she did NOT STOP moving while in Utero ( my other two had very distinct awake and asleep times). I had not one but five false alarms thinking I was in labor. I tried to do this delivery natural for some ridiculous reason and ended up having a C-section because this little stinker was happy where she was and would be danged to come out one minute sooner. I labored for weeks with this child. And all for what? LIFE. Ava in some name books means "filled with life" and I knew the Lord gave me that name- Jeffery and I disagreed for weeks on it. Her spirit filled life has continued as an infant- she wanted to sleep all day and not at night the first week she was home, then decided she liked the night and wanted to stay awake all day to see what was going on, who was doing what and if she liked it or not and then would scream in the evenings because she was so exhausted from not sleeping all day. I am not sure "spiritually speaking" where this blog is taking me BUT God has given me life through this little girl coupled with my two others and I am suddenly becoming more aware of life around me. They love on her, dote on her "Pet" her all the time. Three has become my favorite number. We have gone from controled chaos to just plain chaos and I love it.

We were blessed enough to take Lily Grace to see Mary Poppins with our awesome friends Nathan and Celia and there sweetie Mia. MY GOSH the life that came out of those two girls that night! Even at dinner they could not sit still. There little dresses, holding there hands walking downtown to the "real theater not the movie theater" and there precious beautiful faces so filled with LIFE when they watched the dancing and singing. I truly will never forget that picture of life... I want to look like that at the things I am surrounded by, in awe, wonder and disbelief that I am this lucky...

Yes, I am exhausted, yes there are times when I feel like a horrible parent because I have raised my voice handed out spankings one too many times in one day... even as I write this blog I gave the kids a frustrated bath because I HAD to. Or I feel like a horrible wife because at the end of the day when I can say I love you I cant even get it out because my body is slowly shutting off for the night. But, I love it. There are two quotes I love from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" one I will share at another time the other is when the mother says to the daughter "I gave you life so that you could live." What an awesome statement from the Lord. And what a wonderful gift we have as women to give life. I know my three angels 9 months longer than anyone else- that is AWESOME. I was reminded of this gift today as one of my best friends Graylynn brought sweet baby James into the world- what a privelidge what an awesome thing we women can do. Even women that cannot physically give birth or conceive... they sure as heck can give life. I have truly lived these last 8 weeks and soaked in all the chaos that the Lord has blessed me with: 3 kids, 2 dogs, 2 jobs(that I get to stay at home and do), a traveling husband, wonderful friends and a partridge in a pear tree. The Lord has given me so much life so that I may live it. I can only hope that i honor Him in what I do on a daily basis.

So I guess what you can grab from this... He gave you life so that you could live it, live it well and without complaint. Look around you every second at the life He has given us...

For Ava McKay Alexander
July 9th, 2010
8lbs 6ozs
21 inches long
"practically perfect in every way"

Romans 8:22-28 The Message

As I am praying this morning for my doctors appointment to "jump start" my labor today, the Lord (via my mother) gave me this verse. Romans 8:22-28

22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good>

It is so exciting to me knowing that every detail of my life and my children's lives are worked into something good- already...