My Fab 5

Oh my Blog, how I have missed you. I have felt one coming on for a while now and just have not known what to title it- or where to even go with it... oh well- here we go with no direction whatsoever!

I have been reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker- who is by the way my new hero, love her, I cannot give myself the compliment of saying that I write like her- cannot even compare. BUT I think like she writes love her thought process! Read it if you have time- and if you don't! In her book she refers to her goup of friends as the "council" I feel the need to list and describe mine since they probably do not even know they are on it- well I sure hope they do. I will officially name, describe, nominate and vote on mine now. Shout them out from the rooftop so that all of my 7 followers can read about you...


1. Celia: My sweet precious Stoic Heroic is what I shall call you. You have endured something I would not even begin to know how to deal with, you live life, you love well, and put up with ME! You listen, you love, you teach, you exemplify, you are all that I would hope to be half of. Where would I be without you. You are the only skinny person I know that can talk about a new type of gym every month, never go to one, and still lookin smokin hot. You are in love with Jesus and TRULY TRULY show it in everything you do- right down to loving on 11 two year olds, and changing some wicked diapers alongside your crazy all over the place best friend. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you pray for me even when I don't deserve your time.... I love you


2. Allison: My "fun" one but "fun" with you would be no fun with anyone else but you my love. I have never heard of anyone pouring themselves into something- anything and everything the way you do- not head first- whole body first. You make me laugh, you make me cry about having four kids and how impossible it is but remind me constantly that God is soveriegn- even when I leave my fourth child places - you forgive me. You constantly point out "all" that I do, but never even notice all that you do. You are intentional with every fiber of your being, and I know without a doubt you pray for me. You walk a crazy life right alongside my crazy one and still find time to with me- even in our numb child infused haze of an exsistence... I love you.


3. Graylynn: My Gravy- thats my new nickname for you (amongst another nickname I love and cannot even type). Why Gravy? Because my plate of obnoxious thanksgiving food (my life) would be so tasteless and boring without you poured out all over it. Even from a distance of hundreds and hundreds of miles- you are right next to me, in all I do, right there. You are my biggest fan my cheerleader like when we run and I am ten steps behind and by the time you pop a squat in someones yard I have finally caught up and you can still say- good job, your doing great- thats what you do for me every day- on the phone, on facebook, via email, to my face. And the best part is- I know if I were doing a piss poor job or messed up- you my love would call me out on it. And I know without a doubt you pray for me... I love you


4. Momma: My life-giver. Can't even decide where to start with you girl. I love that I am 30 and have 4 children and can live vicariously through your grand adventures. You gave me life 30 years ago- you continue to give me life on a daily basis. You love so well. Your imagination and intelligence is beyond anything I could possibly comprehend my love. I will be selfish and only talk about what you do for me- what you do for my family is another blog in iteslf. And I know without a doubt you pray for me... I love you


5. My love: I have officially re-fallen in love with you, with us. You listen to my rantings, my selfishness, my crazy ideas, my twisted way of thinking, my fallen horrible self and you still somehow find a way to love me? You speak truth to me, you process with me, for me sometimes- and you are hands down the best father I know. No pressure ;) and I know without a doubt you pray for me.... I love you

Thats my fab 5. Notice a pattern? Prayer,love,life,joy. I could go on and on and on. Want to know how I "do all I do?" 4 kids, two jobs blah blah blah-look above. God thank you for these precious gifts help me to give back....

I love meeting new people, talking about new things, having new adventures... But boy do I love my security blanket and that circle of trust. These people know everything about me, everything, and still find some way to love me and pray for me- father make me more like them!

I am going to make a new years resolution a few months late and blog some more so maybe I can get to 8 followers? spread a little more joy, a little more funny a little more messy... Find your 5 or 7 or 3 or 10 and thank the Lord you have them and pray for them, hold them tight, try your hardest not to piss them off or run them off and soak in all the goodness that comes from them.

The Cave

I turn 30 in T-minus 53 days (but I'm not counting). For a long time now I have been dreading it- like this black hole I am going to fall into and everything just goes down hill after it. BUT my 29th year has not been the best so I have decided to change my attitude and make 30 the best year yet... The Lord has been showing me a lot about myself lately - obviously - and He really revealed something so beautiful to me today in the midst of struggle that I have just got to share. Above you see a picture of a view from the inside of the cave of Adullum (thank you Dodd!). This is the cave David fled to - when everything around him was falling apart. This is the psalm he wrote while in it:

1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

As men and women were sharing in our body today what the Lord was teaching them/showing them in the midst of struggle "having the crutches knocked out from under them." I just kept thinking and listening to Dodd say- how sweet your time can be with the Lord during these dark, dark places in our lives. Then I looked up on the screen and saw this picture from inside the cave and it hit me. What better place is there then in this small, confined, dark place to meet the Lord almighty and have Him speak to me. I spend so much time looking "toward the light" and wondering how the heck am I ever going to get out, where it is bright, loud, and there are so many distractions- oh, that's why He has me in here, He wants my full, undivided attention. Again, what better place than this tiny hole to meet the Lord. I am in my second trimester with my fourth child and the one thing that still amazes me is that the Lord is in that tiny little place with my baby, speaking to him or her loving on him or her knitting their every fiber together- what better place to be met than this little, dark place- its where we first hear from the Lord and where he meets us when He needs our full attention. I cannot tell you enough how sweet my time has been with him through losing a baby, and other hard things life has thrown at me in the last few months. Now of course I would not ask for more pain, but I have so loved my time with Him lately. We went and saw the movie Courageous tonight and I balled my way through it again because I thought - it could be so much worse than what I have gone through- look at people who have lost a child, a parent a loved one... A pastor in the movie challenges a father who has lost his daughter and tells him he has a choice- he can be angry for the time with his daughter that was taken away or he can be thankful for the time that he had with her. What an amazing perspective much like the cave- I can spend my time angry that I am there and try to figure out how to get out or I can be thankful for the time I had in there and that it could be so much much worse. So, 30 may not get me out of this dang cave, but I am going to make the most of it and have a party in there- and thank God for all He has revealed to me, and my prayer is the same for you- if you are there in that lonely dark place - try your hardest to enjoy the Lord- His presence is so sweet and fulfilling.

What's in a Word?

It is hard for me to admit this at the risk of sounding like a moron and a jerk but I will take a chance. The word "missional" totally used to scare me. I used to associate words like evangelism, foreign country, seeker with the word missional... I had pictures in my head of a mission in the middle of a village somewhere - I would not want to go. I played the role of Elizabeth Elliot in the "Bridge of Blood" play for a few years in high school and when I think of "missional" that is what I think of- the Auca Indians, being somewhere far away, sacrificing a "normal" life to take Christ to the unreached. The name of the book "The Missional Mom" came across my email and facebook and had been mentioned to by by several people- and I wanted nothing to do with it. "Missional Mom" to me sounded like something... well... not me. But, I finally gave in, ordered the book and have now become borderline obsessed with it. How ridiculous and stupid was I? I would now suggest to every mom I know, READ IT. For me it has just confirmed and reaffirmed what God has been trying to pound in my head these last few weeks of my life. (For a good article on the word Missional look at this
http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/communitylife/evangelism/17.20.html?gclid=CKvoo5SMuasCFYne4AodNl2i8Q&start=2

I have never had such extreme prodding, pinching, pulling, and pushing from the Lord as I have the last month of my life. I have never been filled with as much anger, hurt, hate, and pain- pretty much any negative emotion you can feel I have had this last month.. It is funny how these two things coincided as well as me reading this dang book. God and Hurt and being a missional mom- interesting? As our pastor Dodd pointed out this morning in church- I have been staring my giant (Goliath) right in the face and have so been focused on him (or the problems/challenges in my life) I have totally missed the "bigger giant." The Lord. I have felt the Lord calling me to something bigger- not at all necessarily something fantastic for me to accomplish like writing a book, winning a race, creating something superb... But something bigger like get my butt in gear, focus on my family and how I am daily bringing the Lord into their lives so that they can bring His love to others as well...

If this post is jumbled and doesn't make sense that because that is how my mind has been working these last few weeks. So many wonderful things have come across my plate stemming from something painful. In the book Helen Lee talks about our Primary and Secondary Calling. Our primary is that we are "called to be with God. "The Primary calling for Christians is to be with God, in whatever circumstances He has placed us, As we reside in those circumstances with Him it becomes clearer how we are to serve God in those circumstances. Doing things for God becomes an outflow of our connectedness with Him." The secondary calling flows out of the first and that is to love others. "loving others is not something we do out of obligation but as a natural response to the love that God has shown for us....Loving our neighbor is the natural outpouring that results from being with God as we pursue Him as our central calling."
Had I been truly "with" God instead of just doing things for Him and to honor him I believe the outflow of my heart would have been a lot different. Instead of looking at my own heart and seeing the dullness of it, I have looked at others and compared and judged. Instead of loving others because I am "With" God and that is just what I naturally want to do, I have loved others because I want to be a better person, be THE better, bigger person. I have felt so different in doing things this last week even because it has flowed out of feeling connected with the Lord, I feel like He is walking with me- really not just walking with me, walking under me holding me up keeping my pieces together and have had such joy flow out of it. Joy with my family, friends, work... When I am physically tired and feel a surge of selfishness coming on thoughts from this book and of the Lord honestly have brought me through. Helen Lee says "Missional moms have taught me that we are responsible for everyday faithfulness, and when we act in faith God turns our ordinary offerings of obedience into the extraordinary." I so so believe that with everything in me- I so want to be more responsible for my everyday faithfulness! This book is full of moms who have truly done some extraordinary things and some of them have formed from very ordinary things.... I am praying God reveals to me something to do for Him that will impact His kingdom... That may just be being a mom to my soon to be four babies!

All this to say- don't let a word or something small scare you out of something spectacular the Lord wants to reveal to you as I have- His timing is impeccable. You may think you are doing "well" spiritually and the Lord can show you something, you may think you are not going to make it and the Lord will show you something, you may be somewhere in between and the Lord will challenge you to not be gray. I am excited about growth again- as I was in March the last time I blogged!

My prayer for you today is that you become missional in all you do- in home, at work, anywhere - that you remain open to what the Lord can do with you and through you...

PS I have ordered 3 or 4 books that were mentioned in "The Missional Mom" I will let you know how they are!

"Spark"

I have been dreading this blog for some reason. I haven't wanted to share, haven't wanted to let anyone in or show anyone any side of me that is vulnerable at all for the last few months now. I officially am NOT a good blogger but I figure the Lord did have some purpose in it- only He knows though for sure! All of the dates are mixed up in my head for the moment but in January we found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby- WOW... babies are a blessing anytime and I got to the point where my thinking was we are "in it" why not stay "in it" and have 4! People think we are crazy anyways! I was excited and just new it was going to be a boy, was picking out names, trying to figure out how we were going to fit in our house, how to arrange the kiddos... and then we went to the doctor to have an ultrasound to see when we were due- August 18th (almost exactly the same age difference and LG and Tripp). And we were also told that the heart beat was low. A week later we went back and there was nothing the baby was just gone- It had "reabsorbed" we went back yet again a few days later and saw the "fetal pole" the baby had actually gotten smaller and there was zero heartbeat. I have an ultrasound picture from my first appointment and there is a little peanut there- and I saw its little heart blinking away. And then it was just gone. I was so totally unprepared for it. We have had three amazing pregnancies, no problems, healthy babies- wonderful deliveries and I was just sure this would be the same. I always do that- take so much for granted every time I look at my children now I see the miracle- the gift God has given to me. What the heck was he thinking...
There are two things I have started to grasp in this process. One is that my heart is the place where God and I meet- if it is in crappy condition how will that meeting occur? I shut down, turn off, shut out everything and everyone when I ache and God showed me in so many ways- when you open up, soften up- He will provide The second is in an email I sent out not long after this process and it had this verse in it

2 Corinthians 7: 10-12
"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? Your more alive, more concerned more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart."

"Growth is a natural part of life, both physically and spiritually. But this 'naturalness' doesn't mean that growth is painless. Growth calls into action new parts of of our minds, our emotions, our bodies. What we experience at these times often feels like pain, We aren't used to stretching ourselves in these ways. But the pain shouldn't surprise us- our muscles ache whenever we take up new activities, and they're stretched in ways they aren't used to. Athletes get sore muscles when they begin their training. Similarly, as we're in training in the Christian life, it stretches us beyond ourselves, and that hurts. But this kind of pain is very different from the kind that's inflicted by torture. Growing pains are the kinds we don't regret, because they lead to a fuller life, not a diminished one." -EP

I get it now- You do not get it unless you have gone through it and I get it now... anyone that really really knows me can tell you my biggest fear of all is death- I have never had to face it and want nothing to do with it. This was a taste of it. My mom has given baby #4 a nickname of "spark" she saw what I saw that first ultrasound that little spark of life and I cannot wait to meet he or she in glory and I know in the mean time, my kingdom work is better because of this distress, this hurt, this ache I have. I want to understand what women go through, I want to be more alive, concerned, reverent, and thankful for these miracles I hold every day- I want to say and know and feel that God is good- all the time...

You always here the worst thing to ask God to teach you is patience- I agree I hate it dont want it- I think growth is right up there with it. I know you can grow without pain but it sure does speed up the process. I hate the process but have loved the growth. I have learned so much about myself and how much I want to change and do. My encouragement to you is just to remember you are being stretched and it is for a marvelous purpose and that stretching is not for when you get to heaven or for down the road- it is for now, so that you can do kingdom work NOW_ be relevant and alive and active for His kingdom now- we are so blessed to be able to be a part of it!!

Thank you again for all of you who kept us in your prayers - they were heard! xoxo

Yahweh

I guess this is becoming an every other month thing I wish it was more often I am going to try harder!
So today and these past few weeks I have done a lousy job of trusting and resting in the Lord. I have been stressed and worried but I bring it upon myself. There have been days in the last few weeks when I get to dinner time for the kids and realize I haven't eaten all day- and for those of you who know me, you know I LOVE to eat, I am not one of those girls who likes to not eat- I probably should learn to do that more often but I don't! So besides work, 3 kiddos, holidays, traveling hubby blah blah blah whats been stressing me?
Kindergarten. This is one subject that for me is hard to speak about it is almost to hard to write about. I am already dreading the day I have to take my sweet girl to this "big" school put her in the hands of most likely a stranger and be away from her for an entire day. Who is going to hold her hand? Introduce her to new friends? watch her eat lunch? play with her hair? hug her? tell her how beautiful and smart she is? I know those of you with older girls are laughing at me saying "just wait" but let me deal with it one step at a time.... So I am counting down the days I have left with her, 9 months. I have already told my mother to be here and ready the first day of school because I am probably going to need to be committed. But what kind of faith is that? It is not, it is fear, complete and utter fear I keep telling myself- Public or Private, you will need to be covering her in prayer anyways so what does it matter? Do I trust that God will provide the money to send her to a Christian school or do I trust that if we send her to public He will have his hand on her. Today one of my best friends started the looking process and again talking about it made me ill- I don't want to do something just because someone else does it- (even though she is amazing =) I want what to do what is best for Lily Grace and what the Lord wants me to do, but the selfish part of me wants Lily Grace in a bubble and to thrive- so after talking to my friend I talked to Jeffery (he is away on business) and while I am on the phone I hear my Pandora radio on the computer singing "I need you, oh I need you blessed savior come..." When I hang up the phone I hear it again "I need you oh I need you." And I just start agreeing with it in prayer- oh how I need you and your perfect word... It is a song by The Swift (who I had never heard of). I google the song and love the lyrics (even though one verse is a bit drastic), in part of it he calls the Lord Yahweh and the way he said it just made me want to say it and pray it, so then I look up the definition of "Yahweh" you know what it is?? besides being a name for the "God of the Old Testament" it means "I am the one who will be there [for you]." Right then I knew it would be OK He is there for me He is speaking to me even now in my psychosomatic state - oh Yahweh thank you! I know I know you think Kindergarten really? this is causing that much turmoil and restlessness and anxiety?? JUST YOU WAIT till it is your turn! Yes, sometimes I think I love my children too much- but NO that is not possible, and to imagine that my Yahweh loves me more, loves them more? AMAZING....

My Boss, Pastor, friend always refers to and prays to the Lord as "Abba", "Daddy" and I was always so jealous because when He says it, he means it ;like he is 10 again and sitting on His lap. I wanted to find that name to cry out to the Lord and feel like I was in His presence and somewhat understood how amazingly good and loving and wonderful He is. Yahweh it is "I am the one who will be there for you." So relax!!! stop worrying about it all. It is interesting to me that in the NIV Mathew Chapter 6 there is a section called "do not worry" love that chapter. In The message that same section is called "a life of God-Worship." Wow what a great and different perspective. Again, STOP WORRYING, live a life of God worship what a better way to spend my time. My mom told me a while ago to spend the first 15 minutes of your day worrying and then get over it nothing you can do, but give it to the Lord. At first I thought she was CRAZY! (Love you mom). But she is right, I spend so so so much time worrying, time to get over it. Time to live a life of God worship not worry. It will not be easy but I am going to give up my addiction to worry- if you catch me doing it I give you permission to put me in my place!
When it comes down to it, the Lord blessed me with a strong, beautiful daughter that has a contagious personality that will thrive just about anywhere ( I am not biased or anything) so I want to praise Him for that instead of worry about what He is going to do with her!
Yahweh, thank you! I love you!

3 is My Magic Number

I haven't blogged in two months. Most likely because my world has officially been rocked. For my nine months of pregnancy I had the voice of my eldest brother in the back of my head "three is going to rock your world, it is much harder than two and once you get past three it is nothing, but three, three is hard." At the time I thought "thanks, appreciate the confidence and encouragement." However, I have seen the light, know the truth and am a testimony to "three is hard." Did you know that three is a pretty significant number in literature, religion, history and so on? In of course Christianity you have the Holy Trinity; the Greeks and Romans had 3 Graces; the Vikings, 3 Norms; Shakespeare, 3 witches; Buddhism has the 3 Jewels. The Chinese think 3 is a good number because the word is similar to the word "life." Supposedly when plays were written (especially Shakespear's) the writer would repeat things 3 times to address the three sides of the audience right, front and left. Things were also repeated three times in books, plays and music to make a point force you to remember. If you say something once you are purely stating a fact, if you say something twice it could be coincidence, but three times- that is to prove a point. If you google information about the number 3 you can see that the list goes on and on. I tell you what I think of the number 3- it rocked my world, it is hard, and yes it is filled with LIFE.

My sweet little Ava was a different bird from the get go. The pregnancy was harder, she did NOT STOP moving while in Utero ( my other two had very distinct awake and asleep times). I had not one but five false alarms thinking I was in labor. I tried to do this delivery natural for some ridiculous reason and ended up having a C-section because this little stinker was happy where she was and would be danged to come out one minute sooner. I labored for weeks with this child. And all for what? LIFE. Ava in some name books means "filled with life" and I knew the Lord gave me that name- Jeffery and I disagreed for weeks on it. Her spirit filled life has continued as an infant- she wanted to sleep all day and not at night the first week she was home, then decided she liked the night and wanted to stay awake all day to see what was going on, who was doing what and if she liked it or not and then would scream in the evenings because she was so exhausted from not sleeping all day. I am not sure "spiritually speaking" where this blog is taking me BUT God has given me life through this little girl coupled with my two others and I am suddenly becoming more aware of life around me. They love on her, dote on her "Pet" her all the time. Three has become my favorite number. We have gone from controled chaos to just plain chaos and I love it.

We were blessed enough to take Lily Grace to see Mary Poppins with our awesome friends Nathan and Celia and there sweetie Mia. MY GOSH the life that came out of those two girls that night! Even at dinner they could not sit still. There little dresses, holding there hands walking downtown to the "real theater not the movie theater" and there precious beautiful faces so filled with LIFE when they watched the dancing and singing. I truly will never forget that picture of life... I want to look like that at the things I am surrounded by, in awe, wonder and disbelief that I am this lucky...

Yes, I am exhausted, yes there are times when I feel like a horrible parent because I have raised my voice handed out spankings one too many times in one day... even as I write this blog I gave the kids a frustrated bath because I HAD to. Or I feel like a horrible wife because at the end of the day when I can say I love you I cant even get it out because my body is slowly shutting off for the night. But, I love it. There are two quotes I love from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" one I will share at another time the other is when the mother says to the daughter "I gave you life so that you could live." What an awesome statement from the Lord. And what a wonderful gift we have as women to give life. I know my three angels 9 months longer than anyone else- that is AWESOME. I was reminded of this gift today as one of my best friends Graylynn brought sweet baby James into the world- what a privelidge what an awesome thing we women can do. Even women that cannot physically give birth or conceive... they sure as heck can give life. I have truly lived these last 8 weeks and soaked in all the chaos that the Lord has blessed me with: 3 kids, 2 dogs, 2 jobs(that I get to stay at home and do), a traveling husband, wonderful friends and a partridge in a pear tree. The Lord has given me so much life so that I may live it. I can only hope that i honor Him in what I do on a daily basis.

So I guess what you can grab from this... He gave you life so that you could live it, live it well and without complaint. Look around you every second at the life He has given us...

For Ava McKay Alexander
July 9th, 2010
8lbs 6ozs
21 inches long
"practically perfect in every way"

Romans 8:22-28 The Message

As I am praying this morning for my doctors appointment to "jump start" my labor today, the Lord (via my mother) gave me this verse. Romans 8:22-28

22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good>

It is so exciting to me knowing that every detail of my life and my children's lives are worked into something good- already...