Tight Squeeze... #31daychallenge #day2

When we moved to Hickory 5 years ago, it felt like we looked at houses FOREVER. They were either over our budget, or under our budget and SCARY. We accidentally drove by our current home and I made Jeffery stop the car and... I knew. I knew I wanted it, didn't care what the inside looked like (if you saw my kitchen you would say "obviously"). I could see my babies in the yard, I could see us growing old there, met the neighbors- loved them. SOLD. We went to one more house after we saw it and I SOBBED (which if you know me is totally out of character). So God gifted us this home and we still love it, it is us. It is old, quirky, backwards and lovely to us. So when we bought, we had two kids and now we have four. Unexpected gifts. So, Jeffery and I have had an ongoing dialogue about our home situation. We have officially outgrown our butler's pantry and our bathrooms, and the kitchen is about as big as our master bath. So... do we move or renovate? Our kids will only get bigger... I have said, heck no, from the beginning. No way am I leaving this house. Jeffery is pretty open to either idea but I believe favors the move and really thinks we need more space. We have looked at a few houses in the last two years and every time we have come home and looked at each other and said 'what the heck were we thinking??' We were watching HGTV a few weeks ago and a husband said to his wife "you know how I feel about space, smaller home, closer family" BAM, HA, In your face Jeffery Wayne I am right! The kids have never complained about sharing rooms, the kitchen is pretty horrible but completely functional, we are good!

Well, we were good until we saw dream house #2. Not a TON bigger, and still an old quirky home, BUT everything has been UPDATED, we wouldn't have to do a thing to it.... And it is about a boat load of $$ OUT of our price range. Darn you Dave freaking Ramsey. We should bend over backwards, get this house and be house poor and stressed and miserable, yep lets. Then reality and the Lord hit. Look around you at the gift I already gave you. You begged me, stretched yourself and received it and now you have found greener grass... I feel like I do that all the time with God. PLEASE keep my children healthy... oh and make them perfect, smart, popular and "normal" (whatever that means). PLEASE give me a husband... Oh, and make him sinless, perfect and make him wait on me hand and foot. PLEASE let me be more like you... but make it easy, natural and comfortable. I ask for so much and He gives so freely and then I ask for more or for ease. All this to say I pray I can be a little more narrow minded. In the way that a smaller house, tight squeeze, means closer family. I healthy child means a full life, full of mistakes and miracles. A husband, that is perfectly imperfect and a mess right alongside his even more imperfect wife. A God-like me, but one step at a time and room for grace. He gave me my dream home, He could take it away just as easily or give me my next one but I will be happy in my tight squeeze for as long as He has me here...

1 Timothy 6:6 "But Godliness with contentment is great gain"

Labels... #31daywritingchallenge #day1

My oldest daughter Lily Grace is seven now and in second grade.  After only a couple weeks of school I have now had two conversations with her teacher about her progress this year.  Had you asked me a few months ago how I would feel about our discussions I probably would have given you a very different answer than now.  Most parents do not want to hear the acronym ADD. I know, nails on a chalkboard, gasp, sigh.... I really in my heart new it was coming because of the struggles I have had, but if you are a parent you know, you want everything to be easy for your child. I am so thankful for the gift of a wonderful teacher who loves my daughter and knows her heart already.  In the midst of my "dreaded discussion" I was overwhelmed with peace. Yes, things were about to get challenging, frustrating, long, hard... But, it's a label and I have decided we don't do labels in this family...there is really only one label I'd like to give myself, Lily Grace or any other family member and that is Child. Galatians 3:26-28 " So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is no Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ."

There is no ADD, ADHD, popular, unpopular, beautiful, ugly, smart, dumb... Just child. My prayer is that I can pound that in all four of their little heads... You are a child of God, any other label doesn't count, good or bad. Yes, I'll do everything in my power to come along side Lily Grace and give her tools to help with school. But I'll also praise her for her heart, her creativity, her beautiful mind. And I'll thank God for health and this small minor bump in the road that terrifies everyone. 2Timothy 1:7 " For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND." I will not allow Satan to make my daughter fear ADD but I'll show her to embrace it and I'll continually ask The Lord to help me to not fear it as well and to help me cultivate in her a spirit of Power over it.  So many parents have had these discussions and so many immediately get consumed and fearful. Please please remember there are no labels that matter ultimately, except one... CHILD

Max Raye Update

So many people (an overwhelming number of you) have asked about Max, been praying for Max, texting, calling emailing facebooking us- it is just amazing. Why I would ever think less of the people that the Lord has put in our lives is crazy, but I am truly at a loss for words and so over come with greatfulness and praise... I do want to update people on Max, and so many of you know I am way better typing and writing to communicate than I am in person! AKWARD! AND, it takes 10 minutes to explain all that it is not, and all that is going on with Max!

It has been a nice long two month process- of coughing and wheezing but a week ago today we saw a pediatric pulminologist for the first time. After a few chest X-rays we realized Max's right lung was not compressing fully- foreign body was a possibility (of course my mind went to Ava,lego,bad). Long story short, Max took a turn for the worse so we thought the ER was necessary and we have a lot of help in Charlotte so Levine it was. WHAT A FREAKING PROCESS... 4 nights, 5 days of poking, prodding, 4 IV's a million breathing treatments, steroids, "aggressively attacking it" and one bronchoscope later we pretty much came out with only a few answers- 1. There was a ton of "clear secrections" AKA crap in his lungs that they washed and sucked out ( all you docs out there dont hate I do not speak Monkey). 2. There was no foreign body in Max's lung. 3. He has reactive airways (sensative). 4. maybe a little reflux. 5. Maybe some bacteria (still waiting on cultures) etc... We met with a NEW pediatrician that speaks my language (Brooke Hata a adore you already). Basically, we are going to start the process of elimination. Max will get a sweat test on the 12th (gulp), eventually when his veins recover from being assaulted this week we will do a major Allergy test ( seems more managable), and maybe further testing to see if there is something anatomically going on outside the lung that is keeping it from functioning properly... So, what I thought was going to be the last step in this process is really just the first.

I have been asking the Lord all day to show me how to pray. Of course I want perfect health for my 7month old- but beyond that how do I pray for the coming weeks. I kept saying over and over to myself this week - it could be so much worse, so much worse. Then I spoke with a stunningly beautiful woman - but just a few years older and wiser (Suz im so thankful for you) and she said "but this is your hard" and it was like a damn let loose in my heart- its ok to be a sad, worried, fearful mom sometimes even if you know it could be worse- this is where I am. UH! It was like the Lord gave me permission to live it, to grieve it, to hurt for Max when he hurts, to ache to find out what the H E double hockey sticks is going on... While in the hospital I had two Verses come to mind (but I was singing them since I live in kiddie land) "Trust in the Lord, trust in the Lord, always trust Him with all your heart... and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, in all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight..." Of course I need to lean a little on the understanding of these doctors the Lord puts in my path, but definately not my own- only his. On the way home it was "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice. Rejoice, Rejoice and again I say rejoice..." Again, Him, Always, not me.

Most of you who know me know- i would rather hold my breath until I am blue in the face than let the damn loose, but again, freedom to be at my hard has been overwhelming. I feel like lately I have had quite a few people enter my life, or people that have been in my life open up a bit and admit to one major thing- anxiety, fear. I always considered myself fearless, or pretty tough, HA! WRONG! sayeth the Lord! I am learning now, fear unfortunatley has consumed me at times in my life and really controled a lot of it. What does the Lord have to say about fear?

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"


"You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.”

1John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18

I am scared, Ill be honest, you mess with my babies and you get the wrath but this is out of my control... AND I AM A CONTROL FREAK! So, God is for sure up to something- I am already figuring out what it is for me, what it looks like for Max, we will find out...
Again, I am so thankful for you!
Keep Max and his crazy momma in your prayers!

My Fab 5

Oh my Blog, how I have missed you. I have felt one coming on for a while now and just have not known what to title it- or where to even go with it... oh well- here we go with no direction whatsoever!

I have been reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker- who is by the way my new hero, love her, I cannot give myself the compliment of saying that I write like her- cannot even compare. BUT I think like she writes love her thought process! Read it if you have time- and if you don't! In her book she refers to her goup of friends as the "council" I feel the need to list and describe mine since they probably do not even know they are on it- well I sure hope they do. I will officially name, describe, nominate and vote on mine now. Shout them out from the rooftop so that all of my 7 followers can read about you...


1. Celia: My sweet precious Stoic Heroic is what I shall call you. You have endured something I would not even begin to know how to deal with, you live life, you love well, and put up with ME! You listen, you love, you teach, you exemplify, you are all that I would hope to be half of. Where would I be without you. You are the only skinny person I know that can talk about a new type of gym every month, never go to one, and still lookin smokin hot. You are in love with Jesus and TRULY TRULY show it in everything you do- right down to loving on 11 two year olds, and changing some wicked diapers alongside your crazy all over the place best friend. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you pray for me even when I don't deserve your time.... I love you


2. Allison: My "fun" one but "fun" with you would be no fun with anyone else but you my love. I have never heard of anyone pouring themselves into something- anything and everything the way you do- not head first- whole body first. You make me laugh, you make me cry about having four kids and how impossible it is but remind me constantly that God is soveriegn- even when I leave my fourth child places - you forgive me. You constantly point out "all" that I do, but never even notice all that you do. You are intentional with every fiber of your being, and I know without a doubt you pray for me. You walk a crazy life right alongside my crazy one and still find time to with me- even in our numb child infused haze of an exsistence... I love you.


3. Graylynn: My Gravy- thats my new nickname for you (amongst another nickname I love and cannot even type). Why Gravy? Because my plate of obnoxious thanksgiving food (my life) would be so tasteless and boring without you poured out all over it. Even from a distance of hundreds and hundreds of miles- you are right next to me, in all I do, right there. You are my biggest fan my cheerleader like when we run and I am ten steps behind and by the time you pop a squat in someones yard I have finally caught up and you can still say- good job, your doing great- thats what you do for me every day- on the phone, on facebook, via email, to my face. And the best part is- I know if I were doing a piss poor job or messed up- you my love would call me out on it. And I know without a doubt you pray for me... I love you


4. Momma: My life-giver. Can't even decide where to start with you girl. I love that I am 30 and have 4 children and can live vicariously through your grand adventures. You gave me life 30 years ago- you continue to give me life on a daily basis. You love so well. Your imagination and intelligence is beyond anything I could possibly comprehend my love. I will be selfish and only talk about what you do for me- what you do for my family is another blog in iteslf. And I know without a doubt you pray for me... I love you


5. My love: I have officially re-fallen in love with you, with us. You listen to my rantings, my selfishness, my crazy ideas, my twisted way of thinking, my fallen horrible self and you still somehow find a way to love me? You speak truth to me, you process with me, for me sometimes- and you are hands down the best father I know. No pressure ;) and I know without a doubt you pray for me.... I love you

Thats my fab 5. Notice a pattern? Prayer,love,life,joy. I could go on and on and on. Want to know how I "do all I do?" 4 kids, two jobs blah blah blah-look above. God thank you for these precious gifts help me to give back....

I love meeting new people, talking about new things, having new adventures... But boy do I love my security blanket and that circle of trust. These people know everything about me, everything, and still find some way to love me and pray for me- father make me more like them!

I am going to make a new years resolution a few months late and blog some more so maybe I can get to 8 followers? spread a little more joy, a little more funny a little more messy... Find your 5 or 7 or 3 or 10 and thank the Lord you have them and pray for them, hold them tight, try your hardest not to piss them off or run them off and soak in all the goodness that comes from them.

The Cave

I turn 30 in T-minus 53 days (but I'm not counting). For a long time now I have been dreading it- like this black hole I am going to fall into and everything just goes down hill after it. BUT my 29th year has not been the best so I have decided to change my attitude and make 30 the best year yet... The Lord has been showing me a lot about myself lately - obviously - and He really revealed something so beautiful to me today in the midst of struggle that I have just got to share. Above you see a picture of a view from the inside of the cave of Adullum (thank you Dodd!). This is the cave David fled to - when everything around him was falling apart. This is the psalm he wrote while in it:

1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

As men and women were sharing in our body today what the Lord was teaching them/showing them in the midst of struggle "having the crutches knocked out from under them." I just kept thinking and listening to Dodd say- how sweet your time can be with the Lord during these dark, dark places in our lives. Then I looked up on the screen and saw this picture from inside the cave and it hit me. What better place is there then in this small, confined, dark place to meet the Lord almighty and have Him speak to me. I spend so much time looking "toward the light" and wondering how the heck am I ever going to get out, where it is bright, loud, and there are so many distractions- oh, that's why He has me in here, He wants my full, undivided attention. Again, what better place than this tiny hole to meet the Lord. I am in my second trimester with my fourth child and the one thing that still amazes me is that the Lord is in that tiny little place with my baby, speaking to him or her loving on him or her knitting their every fiber together- what better place to be met than this little, dark place- its where we first hear from the Lord and where he meets us when He needs our full attention. I cannot tell you enough how sweet my time has been with him through losing a baby, and other hard things life has thrown at me in the last few months. Now of course I would not ask for more pain, but I have so loved my time with Him lately. We went and saw the movie Courageous tonight and I balled my way through it again because I thought - it could be so much worse than what I have gone through- look at people who have lost a child, a parent a loved one... A pastor in the movie challenges a father who has lost his daughter and tells him he has a choice- he can be angry for the time with his daughter that was taken away or he can be thankful for the time that he had with her. What an amazing perspective much like the cave- I can spend my time angry that I am there and try to figure out how to get out or I can be thankful for the time I had in there and that it could be so much much worse. So, 30 may not get me out of this dang cave, but I am going to make the most of it and have a party in there- and thank God for all He has revealed to me, and my prayer is the same for you- if you are there in that lonely dark place - try your hardest to enjoy the Lord- His presence is so sweet and fulfilling.

What's in a Word?

It is hard for me to admit this at the risk of sounding like a moron and a jerk but I will take a chance. The word "missional" totally used to scare me. I used to associate words like evangelism, foreign country, seeker with the word missional... I had pictures in my head of a mission in the middle of a village somewhere - I would not want to go. I played the role of Elizabeth Elliot in the "Bridge of Blood" play for a few years in high school and when I think of "missional" that is what I think of- the Auca Indians, being somewhere far away, sacrificing a "normal" life to take Christ to the unreached. The name of the book "The Missional Mom" came across my email and facebook and had been mentioned to by by several people- and I wanted nothing to do with it. "Missional Mom" to me sounded like something... well... not me. But, I finally gave in, ordered the book and have now become borderline obsessed with it. How ridiculous and stupid was I? I would now suggest to every mom I know, READ IT. For me it has just confirmed and reaffirmed what God has been trying to pound in my head these last few weeks of my life. (For a good article on the word Missional look at this
http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/communitylife/evangelism/17.20.html?gclid=CKvoo5SMuasCFYne4AodNl2i8Q&start=2

I have never had such extreme prodding, pinching, pulling, and pushing from the Lord as I have the last month of my life. I have never been filled with as much anger, hurt, hate, and pain- pretty much any negative emotion you can feel I have had this last month.. It is funny how these two things coincided as well as me reading this dang book. God and Hurt and being a missional mom- interesting? As our pastor Dodd pointed out this morning in church- I have been staring my giant (Goliath) right in the face and have so been focused on him (or the problems/challenges in my life) I have totally missed the "bigger giant." The Lord. I have felt the Lord calling me to something bigger- not at all necessarily something fantastic for me to accomplish like writing a book, winning a race, creating something superb... But something bigger like get my butt in gear, focus on my family and how I am daily bringing the Lord into their lives so that they can bring His love to others as well...

If this post is jumbled and doesn't make sense that because that is how my mind has been working these last few weeks. So many wonderful things have come across my plate stemming from something painful. In the book Helen Lee talks about our Primary and Secondary Calling. Our primary is that we are "called to be with God. "The Primary calling for Christians is to be with God, in whatever circumstances He has placed us, As we reside in those circumstances with Him it becomes clearer how we are to serve God in those circumstances. Doing things for God becomes an outflow of our connectedness with Him." The secondary calling flows out of the first and that is to love others. "loving others is not something we do out of obligation but as a natural response to the love that God has shown for us....Loving our neighbor is the natural outpouring that results from being with God as we pursue Him as our central calling."
Had I been truly "with" God instead of just doing things for Him and to honor him I believe the outflow of my heart would have been a lot different. Instead of looking at my own heart and seeing the dullness of it, I have looked at others and compared and judged. Instead of loving others because I am "With" God and that is just what I naturally want to do, I have loved others because I want to be a better person, be THE better, bigger person. I have felt so different in doing things this last week even because it has flowed out of feeling connected with the Lord, I feel like He is walking with me- really not just walking with me, walking under me holding me up keeping my pieces together and have had such joy flow out of it. Joy with my family, friends, work... When I am physically tired and feel a surge of selfishness coming on thoughts from this book and of the Lord honestly have brought me through. Helen Lee says "Missional moms have taught me that we are responsible for everyday faithfulness, and when we act in faith God turns our ordinary offerings of obedience into the extraordinary." I so so believe that with everything in me- I so want to be more responsible for my everyday faithfulness! This book is full of moms who have truly done some extraordinary things and some of them have formed from very ordinary things.... I am praying God reveals to me something to do for Him that will impact His kingdom... That may just be being a mom to my soon to be four babies!

All this to say- don't let a word or something small scare you out of something spectacular the Lord wants to reveal to you as I have- His timing is impeccable. You may think you are doing "well" spiritually and the Lord can show you something, you may think you are not going to make it and the Lord will show you something, you may be somewhere in between and the Lord will challenge you to not be gray. I am excited about growth again- as I was in March the last time I blogged!

My prayer for you today is that you become missional in all you do- in home, at work, anywhere - that you remain open to what the Lord can do with you and through you...

PS I have ordered 3 or 4 books that were mentioned in "The Missional Mom" I will let you know how they are!

"Spark"

I have been dreading this blog for some reason. I haven't wanted to share, haven't wanted to let anyone in or show anyone any side of me that is vulnerable at all for the last few months now. I officially am NOT a good blogger but I figure the Lord did have some purpose in it- only He knows though for sure! All of the dates are mixed up in my head for the moment but in January we found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby- WOW... babies are a blessing anytime and I got to the point where my thinking was we are "in it" why not stay "in it" and have 4! People think we are crazy anyways! I was excited and just new it was going to be a boy, was picking out names, trying to figure out how we were going to fit in our house, how to arrange the kiddos... and then we went to the doctor to have an ultrasound to see when we were due- August 18th (almost exactly the same age difference and LG and Tripp). And we were also told that the heart beat was low. A week later we went back and there was nothing the baby was just gone- It had "reabsorbed" we went back yet again a few days later and saw the "fetal pole" the baby had actually gotten smaller and there was zero heartbeat. I have an ultrasound picture from my first appointment and there is a little peanut there- and I saw its little heart blinking away. And then it was just gone. I was so totally unprepared for it. We have had three amazing pregnancies, no problems, healthy babies- wonderful deliveries and I was just sure this would be the same. I always do that- take so much for granted every time I look at my children now I see the miracle- the gift God has given to me. What the heck was he thinking...
There are two things I have started to grasp in this process. One is that my heart is the place where God and I meet- if it is in crappy condition how will that meeting occur? I shut down, turn off, shut out everything and everyone when I ache and God showed me in so many ways- when you open up, soften up- He will provide The second is in an email I sent out not long after this process and it had this verse in it

2 Corinthians 7: 10-12
"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? Your more alive, more concerned more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart."

"Growth is a natural part of life, both physically and spiritually. But this 'naturalness' doesn't mean that growth is painless. Growth calls into action new parts of of our minds, our emotions, our bodies. What we experience at these times often feels like pain, We aren't used to stretching ourselves in these ways. But the pain shouldn't surprise us- our muscles ache whenever we take up new activities, and they're stretched in ways they aren't used to. Athletes get sore muscles when they begin their training. Similarly, as we're in training in the Christian life, it stretches us beyond ourselves, and that hurts. But this kind of pain is very different from the kind that's inflicted by torture. Growing pains are the kinds we don't regret, because they lead to a fuller life, not a diminished one." -EP

I get it now- You do not get it unless you have gone through it and I get it now... anyone that really really knows me can tell you my biggest fear of all is death- I have never had to face it and want nothing to do with it. This was a taste of it. My mom has given baby #4 a nickname of "spark" she saw what I saw that first ultrasound that little spark of life and I cannot wait to meet he or she in glory and I know in the mean time, my kingdom work is better because of this distress, this hurt, this ache I have. I want to understand what women go through, I want to be more alive, concerned, reverent, and thankful for these miracles I hold every day- I want to say and know and feel that God is good- all the time...

You always here the worst thing to ask God to teach you is patience- I agree I hate it dont want it- I think growth is right up there with it. I know you can grow without pain but it sure does speed up the process. I hate the process but have loved the growth. I have learned so much about myself and how much I want to change and do. My encouragement to you is just to remember you are being stretched and it is for a marvelous purpose and that stretching is not for when you get to heaven or for down the road- it is for now, so that you can do kingdom work NOW_ be relevant and alive and active for His kingdom now- we are so blessed to be able to be a part of it!!

Thank you again for all of you who kept us in your prayers - they were heard! xoxo