I have been dreading this blog for some reason. I haven't wanted to share, haven't wanted to let anyone in or show anyone any side of me that is vulnerable at all for the last few months now. I officially am NOT a good blogger but I figure the Lord did have some purpose in it- only He knows though for sure! All of the dates are mixed up in my head for the moment but in January we found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby- WOW... babies are a blessing anytime and I got to the point where my thinking was we are "in it" why not stay "in it" and have 4! People think we are crazy anyways! I was excited and just new it was going to be a boy, was picking out names, trying to figure out how we were going to fit in our house, how to arrange the kiddos... and then we went to the doctor to have an ultrasound to see when we were due- August 18th (almost exactly the same age difference and LG and Tripp). And we were also told that the heart beat was low. A week later we went back and there was nothing the baby was just gone- It had "reabsorbed" we went back yet again a few days later and saw the "fetal pole" the baby had actually gotten smaller and there was zero heartbeat. I have an ultrasound picture from my first appointment and there is a little peanut there- and I saw its little heart blinking away. And then it was just gone. I was so totally unprepared for it. We have had three amazing pregnancies, no problems, healthy babies- wonderful deliveries and I was just sure this would be the same. I always do that- take so much for granted every time I look at my children now I see the miracle- the gift God has given to me. What the heck was he thinking...
There are two things I have started to grasp in this process. One is that my heart is the place where God and I meet- if it is in crappy condition how will that meeting occur? I shut down, turn off, shut out everything and everyone when I ache and God showed me in so many ways- when you open up, soften up- He will provide The second is in an email I sent out not long after this process and it had this verse in it
2 Corinthians 7: 10-12
"Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? Your more alive, more concerned more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart."
"Growth is a natural part of life, both physically and spiritually. But this 'naturalness' doesn't mean that growth is painless. Growth calls into action new parts of of our minds, our emotions, our bodies. What we experience at these times often feels like pain, We aren't used to stretching ourselves in these ways. But the pain shouldn't surprise us- our muscles ache whenever we take up new activities, and they're stretched in ways they aren't used to. Athletes get sore muscles when they begin their training. Similarly, as we're in training in the Christian life, it stretches us beyond ourselves, and that hurts. But this kind of pain is very different from the kind that's inflicted by torture. Growing pains are the kinds we don't regret, because they lead to a fuller life, not a diminished one." -EP
I get it now- You do not get it unless you have gone through it and I get it now... anyone that really really knows me can tell you my biggest fear of all is death- I have never had to face it and want nothing to do with it. This was a taste of it. My mom has given baby #4 a nickname of "spark" she saw what I saw that first ultrasound that little spark of life and I cannot wait to meet he or she in glory and I know in the mean time, my kingdom work is better because of this distress, this hurt, this ache I have. I want to understand what women go through, I want to be more alive, concerned, reverent, and thankful for these miracles I hold every day- I want to say and know and feel that God is good- all the time...
You always here the worst thing to ask God to teach you is patience- I agree I hate it dont want it- I think growth is right up there with it. I know you can grow without pain but it sure does speed up the process. I hate the process but have loved the growth. I have learned so much about myself and how much I want to change and do. My encouragement to you is just to remember you are being stretched and it is for a marvelous purpose and that stretching is not for when you get to heaven or for down the road- it is for now, so that you can do kingdom work NOW_ be relevant and alive and active for His kingdom now- we are so blessed to be able to be a part of it!!
Thank you again for all of you who kept us in your prayers - they were heard! xoxo